opiumlily

2006-08-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

i discovered an itunes with faye wong. my favourite songs. like dan quan ren chang jiu.
wishing we could live forever...my translation was Rather that we live on

I am willing.
what a song. super emotional, super mushy and soft.
and super real. who will i be willing for? and who would i be willing for?
the capacity to reach the depths the limits of emotions, the humaness of us all. Love, profoundly human, sacrifice profoundly unnatural.

and we do, and arguably, we need to. We need to love, we need to give of ourselves, to share to become human.
To feel willingness.

2006-08-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

let it be.
read F Scott Fitzgerald "The Crack Up" and i felt it keenly.
drop it, all this striving and just be, just be. Its too tiresome to be who i think i should be. Whisper words of wisdom let it be. I was puffy faced, voiceless, and cracked up and tired this morning. The flu took me over and pissed me off. I watched telly and read some, walked to Newtown with Maria, got a concealer and jelly gloss. Home with milk and icecream. We fell upon the vanilla icecream like little kids in a sugar frenzy, Alex, Maria, Drew and I, oh i whacked that icecream hard. Reese came home and joined in, and later Julia came with Doritos.

26. puffy. and then later today watching the Janie Dickinson story, i felt that it didn't matter, as strange as it was, i was inspired by this woman's craziness and sense of self worth, as a kind of heavyweight counterpoint to my bout of heavy melancholy. Fighter, that's what that lady was, a real fighter.

For a while, i felt so old, and now i see that there is no barrier save i make it. I think i do surprise them, and the two boys Alex and Drew have started calling me "Crazy", but they claim its a positive statement. They do that in the middle of the day on the streets...Boys will be boys.

just go out there and make it be.

2006-07-30T05:04:00.000-07:00

wrestling with a sense of slump. feeling rotten, not having slept well. I was thinking about my sense of distance and coldness. i seem to see just how distant and cold a person i have become, and at the same time i feel so unable to do anything about it, except to be aware.

gotta get a sense of my spending. 100/ week. I've been spending on bonding and drinking.
i feel so sad sometimes. And food is expensive. Everything really, but i do love sydney.
Met up with Seraphina before she left, and she looked so at peace and she has chef's hands!
Wow! her cooking looks great.

Worried about the dissertation, for which i have very little confidence, but i feel like i would be letting everyone down if i didn't try. And i am afraid not to do well. Fear. Ah, eating me up.
And what do i really want. Literary Journalism i really enjoy. I enjoy reading. I am kinda uncomfortable with the Dealing with the Media lecturer, hmmm. So i might drop that.

Miss everyone. God i miss Ah Yi's cooking. Today i discovered BI-LO, where the groceries are cheap. for under 10, i got alot of carrots, chicken thighs, butter, and newspapers.

Been reading Literary Journalism, and it strikes me that i have to go and LIVE it. Ride it, be it and charge along with the waves. love my housemates more and more...with Drew the auxiliary member. His "I Love You!" was funny and heartwarming...Vanessa has been a good friend, and i have been off my rocker...and stabilising down. Her flatmate had a thing for me, and I. I, feel terribly lonely at times, i wish i had someone to lean against sometimes, yet there is no one.

But i think i have some sort of intimacy issues. God, i miss everyone. Dislocation has caught up with me, I officially feel neither here nor there.

writing very well, and producing documentaries. Could i be an academic? Hmm. If i want to, i have to write a thesis now.
Practically, it would be smart to combin earchitecture or design with media, and i am not very sure what that would be, what i would be exploring. Criticism and the development of art?

And then sometimes, just sometimes i miss Will. I just want to turn tail and run into the arms of my sweet catcher in the rye.
Well, Tango Italiano...
just down with the sniffles. and i am feeling so very rotten. I need to write to him.
yes.

2006-07-18T05:21:00.000-07:00

sydney touched down and headed straight out to scruffy murphy's. right in the centre shaking it up with the rest. a little out of place, a little shook out of my comfort zone, in a good way. headed out for a breathe of fresh air. agony aunt to Engy, a relief to have a conversation, to finally speak for real.

the thing about hanging out is to make a series of small talk, centred around the environment or shared stuff...making friends it is called. very often i felt left out in the swap chat about boston and places in the us i had never been to. after a spell of sadness, in the glaze of rained on asphalt, i decided to head home.

cooking and eating with the rest.

great taxidrivers so far. god is watching. goodwill it is.
hmm. the next day at the neighbours, peace pipe and then to marley's blind drunk. found a number in my pocket. hmm. and blackout. hmm. that was a swift full stop.

cargo by darling harbour. consumed with my sense of otherness. self absorbed and exhausted i teared and missed home terribly, and my heart rained.

phone call to gary. viv. and then home again.
a different system here. twisting and turning.

and then the orientation for all its worth did me good. and sleep did too. popped an anarex and had some quality sleep.
met a few asians and felt sense of kinship.

an expanded comfort zone, learning to see beyond the immediate negative thoughts.
speaking and acting positively. hmmm...plenty more to learn.

the way of speech here creates a comfort zone for emotions, feelings and space for me to spread out and feel my response to things.

andf i am here to learn, to get my master's to learn to be the best writer.journalist.broadcast and communicator...hmmm
the GOAL.

2006-06-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

fairly lovely day.
sluggish. tired and couldn't sleep well. dreamt of being on a school bus, and seeing Angie with a Storm-ish haircut, all white with jagged black edges. Woke and chatted with Ah Yi.

Got down to proof reading the stack, but felt a slamdunk of bad energy.
A right battle with my spirit to complete the stack, just about. Oh boy, headed down to Tanjong Pagar and handed it in. Saw the rep. who strangely looked alot like me but 20 years more matured. Was life trying to tell me i lacked the experience? I don't know, really.

Moved on. Out of the ofc. To the town and met Fel and his son for a dinner and "Hoodwinked". Very intelligent boy. Played at the arcade..Time crisis. Great cartoon.

Met Gary after that for some wine and really salty chix wings.
and home, i am with a giant swell by my nose that's really hurting.

Highlight was the email i recieved from SUV. Accomodation. I thank god, yet i truly truly hope that my housemates and all will be cool & that the laundry and gym is charged reasonably.

thought today about my future...writer. broadcast. political, literary or....pr. Fel asked me that, as my mentor. Hmm i wasn't at my most articulate. all i said was i want to make a documentary about women in Asia & design. Hmm, yes that is kinda vague. So i want to be a producer? Not really, have great doubts about my organisational and bonding skills...after the fiasco that is soon to end 7th July

hmmm...my dream life, to be a really wonderful writer like Murakami, and a bestseller too. Firstly the state of mind i will be in
must be pretty chilled and mellow and there. I want to live somewhere where i can roll and thrive, and travel and explore life with a great passion.

act in some art film, i guess i want to live and express. and writing is the most basic expression.
be simple with a great wealth of spirit. where does this blessedness arise? from the divine, who has no need of an idol. touching on the truth. Speak of great truths, simply in need of a word to trace out its silhouette in the fog of everyday.

what is there to say actually. What is the motivation behind being a writer, to experience to taste and to make sense of it, to find a rhythm even if there seems to be no structure. it seems almost hubris to imagine that i can craft my career without the divine somehow giving me a hand up from nowhere and obstacles where i wilfully try to cross with map and all.

Que Sera Sera.
Maybe it is more important to ask what it is that i will enjoy studying.
The Dissertation is a Challenge, and important if i want to teach in the future. Teaching seems to be a very stable job. Is there anything in particular that i want to research on?

Harmony
Listen to your heart, move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything.... To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that you have. You have to lose all to be simple.That's why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 3

2006-06-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

i have entertaining myself with a memory to fill the nothingness.
trouble is, it gets me on a momentum where i have to move forward and realise that i could have been designing an entire magic carpet ride to a poof of nothingness.

beginning to feel really thrilled.
the bohemia new world, where i hope i can be more easily me and thrive and grow.

morning has broken. i am entirely exhausted and am ready...

2006-06-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

amazing swim session earlier at the pool. this must be the weekend of the triathlon, the pool was empty, no bunch of mad caps struggling against the stopwatch, training. blissful swim. felt completely refreshed. slicing into and sliding out of the water in a series of synchronised repeated rhythms, the momentum carried me and i lost myself, and time slowed down...as the splashes of water flew and cascaded like dissolved crystals in the cool night.

enjoyed the swim thoroughly.

Da Ah Yi made Salmon Fishhead curry and agar agar.
She's preparing mentally for me to leave as well, she told me about her plans. Travel.

" All this is nothingness. I've broken through in my thoughts. Its all emptiness. When i picked up her (Ah po) ashes, all i thought was this is it? this is it after decades of life. It is all nothingness, there is nothing to be afraid of, there will be a reason one day, and it can be any reason, it'll come" of course she was talking about death.

hmm. Sometimes i think she is a secular sort of ascetic. she is very strong, in the sense that she has no need of a god, and yet at the same time there is that sort of humility in her.

i've been so busy packing up the stuff i need to cart home to Malaysia, whilst running a list of things i need to get, like the adaptors for the Oz electrical sockets...long socks...microphones for the skape- sp?...

Met Gin on the MSN. The girl's getting married! to the partner in her law firm. Joanne's throwing her wedding dinner on the 8th. The right one.

Maybe that's what it is, ticking the boxes, and giving it a shot.

Yarles's happily on a getaway at Sentosa. Gary's moving to Citibank. Vicks is fresh home from her Oz sojourn. everyone is sorta alright and happy, and its green lights. Viv rang and told me about the "Dumpling" film she watched, about people eating dumplings stuffed with fetuses, as a gruesome way to retain their youth...starring Bai Ling & Tony Leung (The Lover)

i do think about how my aunt's gonna handle it, but i think Jiu Jiu and Xiao Ah Yi are going to be around for her.
Will she be lonely? Hmmm. Will she miss me? I guess she will miss my presence, but i won't be in her way too. She is getting treated and all this time, she seems pretty cool.

I mean she cooks for the both of us, and there's no way i think she is weak, though i think it is tiring for her to continue her treatment daily at the hospital, yet she doesn't want me to accompany her there. Or maybe she justs wants me to settle my own stuff.

Many of my friends are getting settled. And I am going off on an adventure, study and a whole new continent and city. Sydney! Bohemian Newtown, which is pretty near my Uni. The sights of the harbour and bridge, and I will arrive in time for an International Arts Festival.

Have to go and get some questions done.

listening to Pete Yorn, Just Another.

You and I we're two of a kind
I hate to say it but you'll never relate
What makes you tick?
It makes me smile

You said that I should get away from it all
and bury my head in the sand if I want to
I think you
should thank me now

You were lying wide awake in the garden
trying to get over your stardom
and I could never see you depart us
and you're my baby
You're just another girl

I never mind the way I had to see ya
My working on a day show never explains why
I see you
and I feel your pain

I love to wear my work inside of my head
I can't complain but you should never react
the way you did
I feel your time

You were lying wide awake in the garden
trying to get over your stardom
and I could never see you depart us
and you're my baby

You were lying wide awake in the garden
trying to get over your stardom
and I could never see you depart us
and you're my baby
You're just another girl
Just another girl

teardrop

2006-06-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Stumbling a little
Stumbling a little

-intense, dark music that makes silence and rain real to my soul.
98' lying on the garden couch, reading over and over again the model essays and books, cramming for the A'Levels.
Lynwood Grove. the sky, the coconut trees.

back to school soon.
genuinely touched upon seeing the lyrics for the first time.

"Love, love is a verb, love is a doing word"
the syllables are not clearly defined, and i wonder about "Nine Night of Matter" & "stumbling a little"
but i'm nevertheless blown by the depth of the lyrics.

Want to do it, want to learn, want to study, want to write well, want to get along well with other students, my professors, want to live well, want to make the best of it.

" Love is a doing verb "

2006-06-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

terribly tired. feeling tired and unmotivated.
its been grinding working for MS. Perhaps i was not passionate enough about the subject? Definitely the boss was too much as well.

couldn't sleep last night.
Just wanted to curl up like a squirrel and hibernate.
dark night sky. alone.

"teardrop" by mezzanine.
returns me to that silent place. Where it is raining. I associate this song with Lynwood Grove.
He called me other day, after he rang Paul. I was spring cleaning. 2 missed calls. i texted him back, surprised. and so we swapped conversation about where we were, and where we are going, stuff like that. he's still clubbing and relentlessly out there. Paul called him from Thailand to ask for the connections.

Sometimes i look at myself and i see how little i have gone around.
Courage. Passion and making the capacity to go there.

Just bought myself a digicamera with the money Viv gave me. Panasonic LZ3 5 megapixels and 6x optical zoom.
its a little bulky but efficient.

2006-06-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

The answer was really simple.
I needed to catch up. I fell far behind the emotional balance, the getting life sorted. I hadn't got the act together.
The flood of emotions, pulled by the people i loved, the departures, the rebellions.

The thousand horses within all chained to people who didn't see it, or used it, or tried to do what was best.

Where do you want to go?
Sydney yes, the location. The Masters Program. Yes
I want to make documentaries about women, about emotions. About liberation, its a fuzzy light beaming out from above the water...something that's good. That strengthens. Films.

I want to have an artistic expression with a deep sense of social and emotional responsibility. I want to be an activist effecting positive influences from my work, in a beautiful, well designed way that connects and resonates with people.

"Did you see me walking by, did it ever make you cry?"

the strength to break free and to embrace emotions, life and to love.
Love.

That strengthens. That uplifts. A light.

I am trying to discover it in my own life. I've been loved well by those people who have entered my life as a wiser mentor, a father figure, a mother figure, a sibling figure and friends.

long way to go......................well many things to do. want to go to church tom morn...

What you waiting for? Gwen Stefani

2006-06-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

What an amazing time
What a family
How did the years go by
Now it's only me

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
La, la, la, la, la, la, la (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)

Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car
A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake
What if they say that you're a climber
Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares, cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
Oh, ah, oh

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Take a chance you stupid hoe

Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cause of your sex chromosome
I know it's so messed up, how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you're capable
Oh, ah, oh

(Uh-huh, hu-huh)
Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million-dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

I can't wait to go back and do Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans
Osaka, Tokyo
You Harajuku girls
Damn, you've got some wicked style

Go

Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting for
What you waiting for

Take a chance you stupid hoe (what you waiting for?)
Take a chance you stupid hoe

What you waiting for
What you waiting for

Take a chance you stupid hoe (what you waiting for?)
Take a chance you stupid hoe

2006-06-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

its been a while since i've registered any blogs.
Viv hit the ground running, as we went to 4 clubs in her first night here.
Mox was notably pumped up with testosterone and full of great looking, well defined unvailable guys, (all gays!).

We all had drinks at 95, but after shooting the breeze, we felt a lil sleepy. Ink went home, while Isa, Viv and I carried on.

Cable wakeboarding other day at East Coast Park. Intense speed on the water. Water-burnt as i tore through the waves. Pretty sore. Great cos i think my back's almost sorted.

Caught Da Vinci Code.
Went swimming...

Viv's been groucho groucho, and i snapped at her a couple of times ( so we're both little grouchos) She's just broken up so i guess that's why she's so blue and terribly self-absorbed...p'haps that strand of edginess runs in the family. But we've all been having lots of fun.

I will miss her when she goes.

Convinced her to go to Goretti's and actually Reikied her with no visible result tho.

I was grouchy today after a phonecall to the ofc.
My tum's in a bad state. Proofreading now. Wish i could head off to Bali with em.

After a week of MIA, i headed out to check the Red Street Diner crew...they seem pretty decent and intelligent. Too bad i can't do Videogirl...leaving for Sydney.
Drinks with the bunch at Dempsey, where SY was decked out in a sweet dress!

Both Lizzie and Suzene said i look like Kiera Knightley!
hahahahah, really flattered, but don't see it in the mirror tho!

Charburnt to a crisp, all dark now, after running about in the sun...
Viv & Is'a gone off to M'sia, to see Rei & puppies!!! Was terribly tempted to go to, but have to maintain my presence while the guidebook's getting wrapped up.

Vicks kinda blue that Xian and I are leaving soon. She's a sweetie, very stoic girl.
Oh my god, i am leaving. I am kinda paralysed and slowly galvanised into action, just purchased a 55 litre back pack, and am altogether determined to get a digi camera to record videos of my friends and family...

A decision is what i make of it.

Hmmm, i must really want Sydney and Masters very much, having sacrificed for it.
Yes. I will make it worth it.

:) back to proof reading,.

2006-05-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

Called abt V + A. Looks like its laid to rest for a long long while.
It is sad how they can't work it out now.
Spoke to her at 6. and V at 6.25am.
I just listened. i didn't want to push her, i guess opening up lines of communication is important.

My head spinning, full of C, when i saw S...and the normal night's conversation on all that buzz and high and was just throughly taken through a washmachine of karmadrama playing out in my head.

V was there on the line when i told her i felt so much. I've made the right decision, cos its throughly clear, well there is just no way i want to battle the onslaught of emotional minefield.

Well, but i have decided to be happy. It is in my hands. Day tried to tell me about it, to go for my happiness. The pursuit of Happiness.

and i shall be chilled out and continue on this path.
Last night was fun, meeting people, it is a breathe of fresh air to hang out with people my age, all into the same kinda stuff.
Rev up the attitude and i won't look back. I learnt alot about coordinating...hmmm well its checking on the communication, having a plan and making sure that people get their stuff done.

The terrible headache has eased, cos listening to others, it doesn't seem so complicated..

Read a bit today on my course.
Hmm. I hope i get SUV.

Going out to catch the X Men Premiere.

only time~ enya lyrics

2006-05-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose, only time?

Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries
when your love lies, only time?

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be, in your heart?
and who can say when the day sleeps,
and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart.....

Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?

Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time

2006-05-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

joys:
waking up to the smell of tea::the glow of the lush green from outside the balcony::the beans roasting below::fresh laundry::walking on the tracks to the pool::floating on my back in the pool, looking up at the dark dark velvety sky::daddy calling::viv calling::hanging out with yahli::getting excited with gary over the next gal::feeling the love from my family::appreciated for my writing at ish::reiki::

going away to sydney is a totally for me, selfish decision.
totally selfish, totally enjoyable, and totally good for me

~space, experience, education~
new place, new space, new ways of life, new people, new stories, new rituals, new expectations

gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is

2006-05-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

morning rap a tap tap.
i leapt out bed. my aunt woke me up as i requested.
i opened the day in a flood of sleepy waves, and greeted her before
my retreat to the snug bed...awwww....and snooze snooze

the door opened
my younger aunt came, and they were chatting, and i woke up.

came out of the room a veritable halo of hair.
and made xay some tea, and me a cuppa caffeine. out of 3 in 1s. gotta get somemore.
" you don't have to go today. "

i had a meeting originally, so i thought i'd stay home and get ready.

Fairly rejoicing over having some "me" time!
we chatted, and xay gave me more pep talk,

"you must think of xay, i was 50 and i still got my masters, and it was two years."

everyone is keen on me staying on campus, i really hope i get SUV. Applied today.
daddy called and said he thought it was a good idea too...hmm i hope i get a grant or work...i will focus on my work.
he reminded me to read up more. feel very loved by daddy and day and xay and viv. supported...everyone's supportive about the studying...everyone in the family. I feel like its the right thing to do, though it is expensive...

SUV looks very vibrant!

Angie and i walked ard Dempsey and what she said made lots of sense, that it was time for me to go and finish off what i had started years ago in 1999. There is progress, isn't there. Its a higher level course. A long meander, not unfruitful.
Living away, and this time, the uni's my choice, i have resolved more of myself. I am less volatile, and a little stronger.

I am fairly sure, i will grow in Sydney. The freshness and exuberance of the place.
Its not too long, after 4 mths i'll be home for a holiday,

Xay could tell " You can't bear to go, is it?"

I nodded.

"Just think of it, its only 4 mths, and now Day is alright. She will really need you in a couple of years, if you are willing. Now your Daddy's still young. Go now, before you have more responsibilities"

I returned when there were problems the last time. The sturm und drang...and then I placed my
family as a priority. Swinging to resentment after the W confrontation. And drawing away, and now.
What a long journey it has been?

they left, i could see day was much happier and pepped up.
I pranced around, and went back to the snug bed.
Woke and did me laundry. one load.
was just tired. Reikied myself...not surprised to discover i have alot of resentment and anger.

ofc didn't need me today! goodie!

hung the laundry...and day and xay were home. with groceries, a new shirt for day and a letter, my writing cheque!!

excellent news: the doc gave really positive news. :)) i pray with thanksgiving.
She's so strong. i told her, i found her inspiring, and that i'll not freak out if that happens
to me the next time.

felt a bit off about work, like i am not up to par, and all that rot talk.
ferget it.

spent the day googling sydney...deciding on the things i'll do...getting to know it a bit more.
which districts are good to rent in, and which to avoid.

everyone in uni will be so young compared to me!
oh well.

and i swam! goody...feel much better! much much better!
watched da chang jin with day. she looks tired. but she cooked the bittergourd starfruit soup again today, and asked me which was better, bak kut teh or this new recipe.

she saw the painting in my room and she was curious...i think she is rather fond of it. but its so dark...i ripped it up and all together it was me venting my frustrations on canvas.

Oh BTK holds so many memories for me. I love BTK.

called viva when she was unhappy, and suggested a solution for her.

mellow day

2006-05-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

i am in a mood again.
i need some time for myself.
to groom myself, to swim, to meditate, to just be by myself for myself.
a foot massage, gym.

i need to work off some internal steam.

lost my temper today. over the taxi claims. ah pedantic anal rot.
screw them. I am so pissed off. Close to screaming. Rage.

I hope my writing cheque comes in soon. i think i am in a different reality all together.
Aunt says " just stay in the hall, its not like we can't afford it."
and Viv, "If you can't stand it, and you think you cannot "tong ju" just leave, you're from a good family, you can do without the money. Your future is going to be bright, with or without this on your CV"

And Nancy, the designer, asked if i thought of quitting.

my answer, " have you?"
" I am going to stay on, and get what i deserve, I feel that i deserve the money and the accreditation."
she replied " i would leave if i don't need the money."

What is need?

while i am feeling rather distinctly worried about the money i am going to be spending, studying, air tix (settled), accomodation. Money is hard earnt! really glad i got the good qantas deal! yeah!

I hope i get the SUV! the four rooms one, would be great.
yeah. gotta go to IDP and sort that out. i think it will be a good experience living and studying there.
really hope to get it.

1) Stay in the SUV
2) Fax the acceptance form
3) Write from Sydney for I>
4) Settle the medical claims in June.

I am full of trepidation!

why have i been so stressed, and angry?
I am just so angry.
I need some fun, I need time to enjoy. I need to go and watch a movie. I need the company of friends
I need to be appreciated. I need to fly. i need to travel. I need to see new things, talk about new mindgrowing things.
I need to meditate. I need to go to church. I need to sing.

I feel so stale. Have been returning home after work to be ard, to keep her company, and i want to. Yet i am not in a great mood myself. I want to swim!!!!! I want to laugh at a comedy and get a foot massage! Oh! When will my writing cheque come!!!

fairy godlaundromat

2006-05-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

it is 414 pm, and the late afternoon light is streaming down over my freshly washed and dried halo of hair. I see my reflection in the glass as the bamboo screen behind it shows me shaggy haired, with the shop windows leading out to a white wall over the courtyard space.

k is searching for suitable photos for the book. I am kinda mellowed out.

"come with me, take my hand, into this crystal scenery"

just recieved happy news! the magazine i contribute to is talked about by the news as the healthy survivor, making the arts scene exciting"

joy. a kind of proudness, the editor must be fairly bursting with joy.

i wish i had some music. I wish i could go and lie down on a soft fluffy shaggy carpet and listen to pete yorn with a roll of twist and a glass of white.

some people make you feel strong, and others just don't have the faith.

dhy, was a little frazzed this morning. her friend keeps calling about every little thing so that got her rather wound up.

hmmm. was late and missed the entire meeting. amazingly, P gave no theatrics but was really nice about it. After all i worked the whole of Sunday!? from morning to morning.

i really want to cont'd writing for I. Its been the highlight of my career, something that really revved me up. really gave me fulfilment and meaning. something that felt do-able and i did it well.

broke again. lots of taxi claims to do up. lazy...to count it up.
the mag cheque and the 5th June cheque. soon. hmmm.

dad & mummy's headed off to south africa, with their friends. That's pretty great. do want to send them off. Dad's such a dear, and he does deserve to be happy with Mummy, travelling and having fun. The dogs need to be fed and bathed...bouncing mango comes to mind.

i just feel like wining and dining and good conversation. I swear i wouldn't get so peeved if the boys just come up with decent intelligent conversation. Felt a twinge of urgh after i was throughly exasperated by H's silly, lame and "very uncute" comments designed to irritate a reaction out of me. Oh well. maybe it was just PMS.

Gary and Angie and Viv "You've got to go out more!!!" hahhahahahah, the book's taking up so much of me. maybe i need a swim, i need to sleep. more. fantasy of the day: I win the Laundry Lottery, and never have to do my laundry, the stack gets cleaned and i meet the Fairy Godlaundrylady!

She smiles benignly and swishes her brightly white frock and all my laundry gets done, folded and ironed!

hahahahahahhahha!

2006-05-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

PETE YORN LYRICS

"Crystal Village"

Take my hand
Come with me
Into this crystal scenery
And wait, til I retain the ticket
You would never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning

Over here, see the lights
Arranging twilight sages
Commence to reveal it to the others
You would never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning
You were there
We were good in the beginning

Yeah, take my hand and come with me
Into this crystal village
And see the lights so fried in brightness
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning

Take my hand, come with me
I see the lights so brightly
And we fall as if we never really mattered
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
It was there
And it was good in the beginning
We were there
It was good in the beginning.

Girl Like You: pete yorn lyrics

2006-05-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

Someday
I'll look into her green eyes
And know that she'll come with me
A girl like you

Too many
Things I do not care for
But one thing that I adore
Is a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you

Tomorrow
I think I'll tell you something
The thing that I haven't said
To a girl like you

And even if
I don't know what the day will bring
Still I can tell most anything
To a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you
It's okay
With a girl lik

2006-05-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

placed to rest, my fears.
the visa. the way it is.
my main concern: my aunt: and xay reassured me in the car " take things one step at a time"
I will take care of her, and you know she's rather eccentric, and stubborn, but djj is comming over to see her and it will be alright. Now you have the mind to stdy, and the timing is right. Do it, or you may regret ut."

there's just a sort of concern and authority invested in her words. the sense that she knows, and she loves me.
she's kinda motherly, and as viv says, "very close to mama"

and i feel alright, because my elder aunt is my main concern.

Tired today, waiting for ST to send me the rest of the articles. I should have just gone swimming.
Met up with Angie. We pour out sorrows to each other, and walked around Dempsey. Wanted to check ou PS Cafe, but it wasn't opened yet.

" Oh simple things, where have you gone, i'm getting older, i need something to rely on...so tell me when, you're gonna let me in, i'm getting tired, i need somewhere to begin...i came across a fallen tree, i felt the branches, are they looking at me...so why don't we go, somewhere only we know"

I think of C, and the music...i liked the music he introduced me to. He's getting married, and in a strange fashion i feel that i have done the right thing just withdrawing and not being there. Sometimes it is impossible to help.

I am rolling up my carpets, packing it up.

" take my hand, come with me into this crystal scenery, the way to our attained ticket, you would never have the time, i would love to change your mind, over here, see the light"

goodbye. my good good memories. I have always loved bukit timah. loved hwa chong hostel. my first love. recieving poems at the busstops every morning. playing badminton with the rest, coming back late and seeing mala with her hockey stick on the phone, by the stairs. my aunt's place. celebrating the mee rebus. the ice lemon tea.

"oh take my hands, it was good in beginning"

by the caltex, having a ciggie and a drink, when C would send me back. The crazy nights speeding down the highways, reckless youth. I've had such a prolonged adolescence. his room with the ceiling of clouds, and the windows opening outwards to layer horizons.

and goodbye.

goodbye to the moments, crazy. W waiting for me by Hwa Chong Hostel, what a crazy 18th year i had. Scaling the walls in my big black boots. Curled in the garden. and other day i spoke to him, and its changed, and its goodbye. Memories.

Moving on

J. Goodbye. I haven't heard from him in a while. My tongue's so cutting i might have just cut him right out of my life.

oh....

From Sg to Sydney.
"you look like the perfect fit, for a girl in need of a turner kit, but can you save me? come on and save me...if you could save me, from the ranks of the freaks that suspect that they could never love anyone. cos i can tell, you know what its like...the long farewell of the hunger strike, but can you save, come and save me, if you could save me..."

tomorrow i have a meeting at nancy's.
adieu. adieu. adieu.
zai jian.

2006-05-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

what is the story morning glory?
what is the beauty and the

my prolonged adolescence.
i have only just woken up and smelt the coffee, after a long spell.
the belated wild child.

the people who have pushed me, who brought out what was in me, simply by treating me as if it is there.
blind and stuttering i am lost, but i went in the direction they pointed, i thought i had no longer belonged.
how had i lost myself, by hinging my self esteem on to the variables so easily removed.

and now what are you doing lil jupe

2006-05-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

strong enough.

arrived at a few decisions.

1) I am going Sydney
2) I am going to get the qantas deal..2 domestic flights included!!!
3) I am going to show Kel and Felix my short stories
4) I am going to meditate, India, Tibet are on my destinations.
5) I am going to do my Reiki Mastership on a highland in India.
6) I am going to be focused and study and complete my masters.

My grandma's ashes revealed that she attained a certain level in her meditation by the time she passed on at the age of 97.
there were turquoise stones revealed in the cremation

:)

2006-05-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

one day is unlike any other. its monday, and i wake to the daydream that has me away in a fantasy life, in love with a projection that is flawlessly adorable, and the light filters in, the leaves are dulled by the reflection of the stark emotionless sun.

"i don't care if it hurts, i want have a perfect body, i want a perfect soul"
the bright light blaze out of the radiohead mtv...
"run...run......."

"whatever makes you happy, whatever you want, you are so very special...i wish i was special...but i am a creep...i am a weirdo"

the fingers strumming the guitar, quick to the hurt.
"i don't belong here"

i feel like a spilt sack of rice, and now i have to gather myself back...or sink into the earth and just sleep. Yet, the part of me that knows better, knows that to surrender is just that, nothing moves, and that the life force whatver that may be has to work through me.

So, i switch on the laptop, and force myself to discuss "Which Nasi Lemak stall should i slice off the list?" or maybe i should say " Which should i keep?"
Decisions. decisions that determine a life. where do you eat? who do you eat with? when and how much is that worth? who do you walk with? who do you love? who do you want to remember?

I realise that when i leave, things will no longer be the same.
the comfort level is so fragile. honesty, expectations, and what is real, and i will change.
and you will change. When i next return, buildings will be torn down, new structures erected. Old loves fallen away, and new ones...and the flatline of lying fallow.

" you wonder your life, when i think about it i don't see how you can...you are waking, you are breaking and i see the pain in your eyes, and everybody's changing and i don't know why..."

2006-05-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

notes from deepak chopra's seven laws of success....
spiritual law
1.
law of pure potentiality
pure consciousness. field of all possibilities
pure knowledge
simplicity
bliss
essential nature
eternal possibility
all that is, was will be
self referral
internal reference
object referral...situation...people...things...seeking approval...fear based...power...needs based on fear...not power of pure potentiality...social mask...ego based power...last only as long as the object is there...title...money

spirit and soul is free...unfearful of any challenge.
humble...everyone is the same self, same spirit...respect for everyone and feeling beneath noone...true power....self power...draws ppl and things to you...circumstances are drawn to you to support what you want...support of divinity...being in a state of grace...a bond with people, and people enjoy a bond with you...that comes from true love...

true meditation and practicing silence....
to simply be...not looking at telly, book or engaged in conversation...
thru meditation...silence...non judgement...communing with nature

~

oh well.
lay me down slumber sweet to deepak chopra's voice.
viv called and snapped me out of my massive grouch stalemate.
i called goretti as well.
i am a little cow!

boy oh boy was Viva loud
"you have gotta get your qualifications while you are young! i don't understand you, don't you think that Sydney will be exciting! its not like we are sending you to a countryside like Gippsland or something! people can fuck you over when you haven't got the right qualifications!"

meow...
even daddy who is paying for this, said he prefers me to study now.
even viva who is like putting down her foot with a major heel dug in!

" its only 9 mths!"

meow...

wow. rarely do i see her blow her top. last time....inkweed...and then when she found out i was actually seeing William for real. oh well...

yes. Sydney will be real challenge, tossed out there on my own.
yipes. but if not now then when. i have quite the little mao mao complex still.
once i get there, i will have to be full grown maomao...
get a freelance job, get enrolled, study.
do well, be on the ball.

little miracles each day, be brave, oh i have to be brave...it seems so silly for 26 yr old me to be afraid!

2006-05-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

What profit has he who works in that in which he labors?

I have seen the burden which God has given to the sons of men to be afflicted with.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their hearts, yet so that man can't find out the work that God has done from the beginning even to the end.

I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice, and to do good as long as they live.

13 Also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy good in all his labor, is the gift of God.

14 I know that whatever God does, it shall be forever. Nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it; and God has done it, that men should fear before him.

15 That which is has been long ago, and that which is to be has been long ago: and God seeks again that which is passed away.

16 Moreover I saw under the sun, in the place of justice, that wickedness was there; and in the place of righteousness, that wickedness was there.

17 I said in my heart, "God will judge the righteous and the wicked; for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work."

18 I said in my heart, "As for the sons of men, God tests them, so that they may see that they themselves are like animals.

19 For that which happens to the sons of men happens to animals. Even one thing happens to them. As the one dies, so the other dies. Yes, they have all one breath; and man has no advantage over the animals: for all is vanity.

20 All go to one place. All are from the dust, and all turn to dust again.

21 Who knows the spirit of man, whether it goes upward, and the spirit of the animal, whether it goes downward to the earth?"

22 Therefore I saw that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his works; for that is his portion: for who can bring him to see what will be after him?

fast car

2006-05-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

hmmm...someone dedicated this song to me at the seven yr ish party for my birthday.
and the lyrics were important to him. huh? I just googled it and this is what i came up with...
however, the singers didn't know the lyrics and sub it with baby can i hold you tonight, the duration of which i politely stared at my beer....and attempted small talk.

something to remember anyhow...
i feel that i am leaving and all these fragments of here-ness are to be noted in this virtual plot.

lights so bright, palms sweat on a saturday night

2006-05-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

"i am no fool to this game..til your guilt goes up in flames"
when everything's a mess, there's sheryl crow.

i am doing what i can. the book, the funeral, the grandma, the whole thing.
i should go home and be there, and i will be there on friday.
i am trying not to fall apart, hold the fort via distance, get stuff submitted
altho i can't quite face the shrewing at work.

the funeral is for the living.
i have always said that.
I wonder how my elder aunt is, i think i want to be there to pay my respects but also to be with my aunt.
come home, come home, come home.

i have a stomachache from the mess i concocted.
I just want to be sane. don't see how falling apart helps anyone.

gutted.
i am leaving singapore with my head held high.
i was made a mighty good job offer
i have friends who care enough abt me to throw me a surprise party
i have recovered.

my stomachaches terribly.
is it the phone call that gutted me
or more realistically, the fish that i chucked fr the freezer into the soup...
ohhhhhh......i am in pain...

so why am i leaving?
to study.
to live in a different country
to get experience overseas
to try to stake a better future
to widen my prospects

why now?
cos i am old enough, and young enough
and another time may never come by

i am not in love thankfully, and hence will not have painful ldr to contend with.

i want to
its the tougher choice,
i am gonna have to find writing there
gotta get a digicamera, its gonna be an investment for my work.

take this losing hand and make it win.
leaving las vegas... ...

2006-05-04T01:04:00.000-07:00

yes! revived. gonna go SWIM and or GYM.
take care of myself and get out of the house.

NO more moping!
yep yep yep...
i shall go and gym...

come back pepped and do up D-M

yes

2006-05-04T00:20:00.000-07:00

feeling so mixed and poignant and heavy.
i am cutting down the listings feeling ineffectual. just recieved email about the multiple hiccups. but...word is.
it's my responsibility.

Response-ability.
so, i will go down.
i feel like total crap now. total. why?
grandma's dead. aunt's sick, i am going away and i am not sure how it will go?
my sis is unhappy...

so heavy, so heavy.
and the book is a veritable mess.

dive in and make some sense.
i need to swim or gym, i feel so heavy, so glutted on sadness and heaviness i cannot escape myself.
i cannot escape myself.
a stale air of blanketed desperation about the unhappiness. rationally i know its alright.
can't bring myself to shell out another 150 for another session...though i need it. i am stuck again!!!
i feel congested with emotions, and what am i doing. hiding home, hiding in my sleep.

maybe.
I JUST NEED TO GO HOME
GO HOME.
I feel so terrible. I think i am hiding away from the grief,
but what grief is there? oh i don't know. rationally its all good.
why can't i experience it as good???

i want to NOT feel sad. NOT feel loss.
NO. NO. but is that denial?

i just feel sick losing another person, sick oh so sick, over loss.
I hate feeling the loss.

i feel so terribly alone, and i guess i don't want to lean on anyone. afterall this is legitimate suffering. she had to pass on. I wasn't all that close to her, was i? she was a kind woman. I hardly know anything about her? the mother of my mother. Now both have died. nothing i am writing makes any sense at all.

well, this is not senseless, its ok to feel sad, its ok to feel despair.
i want to go home.

2006-05-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

woke up drained. panda eyed...i am just so tired.
i haven't the energy.
wrapped up the A-C and checked with P, who was surprisingly pleasant on the phone. Later i realised why...Joylyn had resigned!

Went to Nancy's to drop off the cd and came home, to crash...my back aches still, so i popped a couple of anarex which kicked in as i fell into a sweet numb slumber. Angie called, after her session with Goretti.

She has a situation. I can't help, tho i can listen.
Settled things with Kel, and now Sydney, is looking mightily real. I have to prepare.

The story of the ten virgins.
call the student's office
call the dorm

clothes
1. Towels
2. Sleeping Clothes
3. Toiletries
4. Jackets
5. Skirts
6. Jeans
7. Long stockings
8. Innerstuff

technology
9. laptop
10. printer
11. scanner?
12. digicamera

medication
13. anarex
14. tramadol

stationery
15. pens
16. files
17. books

18. sydney guidebook
19. portfolio
20. bible
21. tibetan bk of living & dying

meditated finally after a long bit...
had supper with wahchong, vivien & joylyn...

2006-05-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

"ooh child things will get brighter, we'll put it together and get it undone, some day when your head is much lighter,
ooh child things will get easier, things'll be brighter, someday you walk in the rays of a beautiful sun, some day the world be much brighter"

crooklyn.

heal the pain.
sometimes its nice just to have a hand to hold, but its a great pity when you can't hold any of the hands you want.

"be good to yourself, cos nobody else has the power to make you happy"

be strong, and make the best out of what i have. just walk on, eye on the light, heart on the flame, steadily...the dark valley will pass, and there will be singing and joy...soon. keep walking....

like churchill said
" if you're in hell, keep walking"

which starts to remind me of a johnny walker tagline.

"take a sad song, and make it better, remember to let her into your heart...then you can start to make it better...hey jude, don;t be afraid, you were made to go out and get her..."

"don't carry the world upon your shoulder, well you know that its a fool who plays it cool, by making his world a little colder..."

if i left, i would be free from family responsibilties for a year. I have been the duty bearer, also because i just care, and the proximity draws me so tight, like a corset that only tightens, as result i either feel like bursting or i get all stiff...

so i go. and so...i don;t know what will happen! oh that is the beauty of it is it not. I will study, yes, and i will be working...hopefully writing, maybe modelling...i don't feel like being a waitress, or dishwasher, but push comes to shove, oh well...i will.

survivor. yes, I will survive.
the bell jar: soon i will leave this bell jar.

2006-05-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

sheryl crow was once a public school music teacher, before she made some money in a mcdonald's jingle ad and decided to up and leave for l.a...

so there's hope...somehow,
just reading that from a back issue of vanity fair, which has pretty excellent and compelling reads. namely cos they make it real. stripping away the facade of fame, and gloss amidst the glamourised pictorials, they peel aside to the human neath the statistics...where else perhaps most mags are doing the other way, and of course tabloids just slam the mud on the breakfast table along with the orange juice and sausages.

i have strong reason...olfactory reasons to believe sake and scrambled eggs will go well. the kinda egg fried over a slow low flame, with strips and chunks of cheese tossed into the centre as the sides sear, leaving the centre a soft melting glorious dawn to rise in flavour with a sprinkle of black pepper and sake.

the secondary smell of the drops of sake that fell upon my hand, flash such images into my head and i will follow my olfactory intuition....

hmm...just made sake pear konnyaku jelly...
i think the hot water brought out a rather jarring sour smell fr the sake, which i hope the extra slices of pear will play up well against,

aimee mann, tori amos, sheryl crow.

delirium from neil gaiman's sandman series is based on tori amos...and her song just played as i was hanging up my laundry...
"the dog won't talk to me, and the anti christ's in the kitchen...and its been years...years" she has such a resonant voice, it doesn't much matter what she says.

"and you do" maybe i am emotionally unavailble for dating and etc, and my emotional state being less cluttered, and foundationally more stable, i am turning down all these opportunities to date. but all prettied up with noone to wow...
yea, that's what parties are for...only if i could be ever so insouciant.

"you really do, you really do...you really do"

i need the holy grail. someone to turn the tide, someone to remove the poison thorn...and that someone inevitably will be good ol' me. because heroes no longer exist. "now that's your roses in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the grail"

"there is so much a man can tell you, so much he can tell you, you remain my power, my pleasure, my pain"
and timing. sometimes there is a time for everything.
and now, a time to say goodbye, a time to bite the bullet, and plough. oh...and a time to stand resolute.

i see these young boys, i see trouble, and why bother for some poetry and petals, for my romantic projections.
breaking up is so hard to do, that it may well be better to do other things. and i do, like trying to be better food taster, and sussing undertones, and being critical, and making weird stuff in the kitchen.

"now that your roses in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the grail"
maybe more than that, i believe. i believe in the great unknown, that taketh away and causes wounds to heal.
maybe i am healing fast in the talend of the story's tail.

i am so tired.
just today, tomorrow i will battle and i will prevail. the spirit in me will prevail, i pray, and i have faith.
"you whooooooooo oh.......you whoooooo oh"
clocks...

i have ejected myself from the structure that held me, and now i am climbing the invisible that gradually becomes real.
"you ooooooooohhhhh oh" and chris martin of coldplay deep freezes my sensitivities with this mellow howl...

i miss having a pet, maybe even more than a boyfriend, i meant there is only so much to talk about.
oh well, but little bunnies and kittens, can't quite comprehend, once again just more projection...

home, home, where i wanted to go,
home, home, where i wanted to go
home, home, where i wanted to go

home.

2006-05-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

i woke up to an intense collision.
the phone rang, and i stumbled blindly and heard the voice of my daddy.
" how are your deadlines coming along?"
"oh, its meant to be today, but my boss hasn't done his work, so i can't do mine."
"do you have to go to the office today?"
"yea..."
"how many hours do you think you will need?"
"a few hours?" i sensed something
"are you coming in, do you want to have dinner?"
no...actually, how is your work?"
and i ranted...
and he advised.
and he asked the same questions.
"how many hours will your work take?"
"are you coming in?"
"no, actually, ahyi called"

i sat up.
and my heart went into overdrive.
"she's dead? is ah po dead?"
"she is in critical condition, at the icu"
"i'll come home now, i'll come home now"
"have some biscuits first."

and i went into a tailspin.
i ...have lost the words i wanted to speak.
she looks so small, and so wizened, so thin.
and the intensity that wound me up...and then i saw her, sleeping, snoring...at peace,
and its nothing really to rend the heart over, she's 97, lived through 2 World Wars, married a datuk, had ten children, and now, she is not dying of an illness, but old age, as each of her organs are weakening.

she stirred, when i held her hand.
she was no longer conscious, and it seemed to me as if she had been dying a long time.

i sat at the cafeteria, i hate hospital cafeterias.
the worst conversations must take place there.
introductions. to the undertaker.

'i will remember you. will you remember me?'
weep not for the memories.

i sat stunned, home alone in sg, at the cafe, where i had ok bratwurst and perk me wide up double shot latte.
viv called home from the pagan festival. i related the news, as calmly as possible.

i just feel like i should throw myself into the arms of someone and blindly dive into love, because there is so much crap, i just want to fall in love right now. scrolling down my phone list, i see names and faces who would be those strong arms i crave. but non, all trouble. there is no single night of solace without complications, either for me or other.

so i walked.
frustrated. perhaps a swim...thwarted.
oh so thwarted. i arrived too late, how can i force things?
how can i fight this?
alone?
oh...

i painted, took the palette knife and fought the canvas...peeled open the sake and had a swig...drain pipe cleaning fluid...i have a tummy ache. started my laundry.

and then,
its simple, it is, life goes on, why hold on to the pain?

happy moments in recent times:
talking on the phone with viv.
bitching and making over gary's wardrobe and prepping him for his date
birthday with friends

solace, solace, emptiness
solace, solace in my empty pounding
a million frozen moments
fall away
and still
the emptiness remains
solace, solace
give me a face i can bury my lips
and forget the strings that pull upon
my fettered wings,
solace, solace
my drained soles
undo my laces
take off my running shoes
and pour out the rain.

the never-ending rain of today,
solace, solace,
i seek the canvas sheets,
no real love can i love
i long for something that does not exist
no place exists that is invisible
for me to bury my feelings
and run out and release the
wordless, the soundless
the heartless pain,
the emotionless feelings
solace solace

in sake and paint

pleasurable punishment

2006-04-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

champagne and bubbles.
i am the alcoholic equivalent of Champagne, so said my first boyfriend, in one of those frivolous conversations i bubbled up.
and so it went.

last night, i hadn't expected anything, i felt incredibly happy just being with them. all of them turning up. I was supposed to be surprised, but silly gary told me that it was a surprise! ah! hahahah, i guess i was ready to pack it in, go to sleep.

i love my friends!
spent the day in NUH, sorting out the doctor, getting eventually Phil. Iau, for my aunt. There's extra money to be paid, but this is afterall a battle of the spirit and body. Her victory secures more than just prolonged life, it turn the tide of negavity sustained after my mum's death.

Oh, 26.
I've accepted myself. terrible at laundry, reasonable cook, inventive and totally un-french-ala all the french cooks are incredibly pro-keeping to a fixed ideal, and making it happen. still thinking of taking up french, cos the stuff i do keeps pushing me back to the language....like food...oh the chefs will grill me. terrible organiser, my heads in the clouds, wafting in emotions, infusing god knows what...thoughts on life, death, the great unknown, love, loss, and then...laundry and stuff just don'tr register till its almost piled to the ceiling, and i am seated like today, wrapped in a lavender towel, for lack of finding a clean tee and running shorts.

Romance, comes in tidal waves. I've loved deeply, and this morning i woke up and thought.
Oh, W, J boys of the decade before. Started really loving at 16, and so it went. sometimes its just nice to imagine myself safe in arms, a protected little girl. and now, 26, its time to gradually become a Woman.
Men, there are so many types. But there are the Boys, and then the Men.
and all the pretty boys i've loved, and tried to rescue like puppies from a sinking barrel...were lovely intoxicants that didn't work out anyway, and didn't seem worth the while for all the romancing. I like a heavyweight, a decisive, strong man. Cutting loose from another relationship of casualness seems tiresome, and now i have to sink my teeth into other things, other than the great thesis of Love that i ve been the great adventurer.

So it is, i am the epic lover.
I only want now the model that works, having test driven a range.
yea, for sure eventually i hope to be with someone and build a fortress of Love, supporting and holding sacred the invisible, the most important things in life. fingers crossed. Love is gift. I feel incredibly Loved by my family, my friends, and the romantic love i had abandoned all of them for, was an illusive perfume, that perhaps only heralds the One, the coming of. hahahahah...still a diehard.

By now, i realise that Love is just about the most important thing in life.
All the riches of the world i wish to have, to be able to share. Without all these things, afterall, i am the utmost bohemian boho of the bunch, i've still survived.

Stronger than many in some areas, and a baby in many. struck hard, blows that have driven me to the ground, coiling in the mud and tears, and I have stood up, and let the rain wash it all away. is that strength, the ability to withstand terrible things? i always thought strength was the ability to make wonderful things that makes life better, that delight, i suppose that was the allure of architecture, that i might not be ever strong enough for. i was so good in it, but my lack of technical skills killed me. marry an engineer, oh but they are so boring...hahahaha....making things is really nice.

writing is wonderful, and i think so much its a comfort to release it, rather i feel so much about things that i have fallen into the position of touchstone....is this good? why is it good? what's better...

Leaving the country is such a big thing, i have such a major attachment to people, my friends i cannot do without. Gary, Angie, Angie V, My family whom i feel i need to love more. without love, a baby dies, like little Tim, who i could not save, he was my spiritual baby, altho it was a kitten, but such exquisite sparkling pools of purity, his eyes. So although i never had a child, i guess that gives me a sense of what it will be like to love a kid.

and time...tick tock, watch the clock,
studies. one degree.
studying and my life. without a shadow of a doubt, studying has been good for me. cultivating my mind, and confidence.
and now, Sydney...ahhhh....i am terribly worried about my survival there, i am a poor woman, and its just sheer irony, that just as i m willing like a pauper with nothing to lose to jump and go forth and somehow fight my way in Sydney...the job offer comes. and the sum is the kind of thing i've sort of dreamt of....nothing mindblowing, but really really nice.
the kind that allows for little trips whenever i want, savings, pampering myself! and pampering others...a place of my own to throw wine and champagne parties...gatherings that i love, and lots of books, cds, films, and airconditioning...god i sound so impoverished. Desires slaked and thick. I just love to have people around, real people...real friends, with real happiness and real pain, and realness is something i cherish.

but, there will be a ceiling i guess, since i have only a basic degree....but...the life i want! staring at me.
and the price. i am quite sure if i don't leave now, i will never leave...because Singapore will be my home. i will meet someone one of these days, we'll look into each others eyes after some amazing sex and after ticking off the mental checklist, and the whole meet the family thing, and then wedding bells, another one of those major parties in life. and then...i will be happy but somewhat stuck...i don't quite know. maybe in my personal legend, i need this change in location. because for all its sweetness, i need to see. well, i am sure Love has it way of mindblowing me.

like a little frog inside the well, i have such notions of adventures and i want to live it out.
of course, i suppose as an editor of design publications i can travel. learn photography ( will be able to afford lovely camera and classes, and the travelling to take lotsa lotsa pictures) my heart is connect to my eye. that sounds real. and i can combine my passions. documenting how i feel, showing the world what i see...and since i am a die hard in love with life, i hope to take some amazing pictures. and if i save up enough and get bored, i'll go on a long adventure...research on the happy people of Bhutan for my story...my long long story...of the little Una, who i guess is mix of me and the cuteness of life. and i can go shopping for all the clothes and stuff to doll myself up! wheee...though i am permanently envious of women in high heels, i so miss the high heels, so so miss it...but my back might never bear such pleasurable punishment ever again.

and i will be able to renovate ahyi's place. pay her good rent. or get a place with tons of build in storage. I have so much stuff. a place with tons of build in storage, a fantastic washing machine and a dryer ( without which laundry is too punishing to endure) but i will need a car. and i dislike driving, ahhhh...one of those fears. all that metal coming in different directions at me, and i am one of the things steering the metal...too much to think of.

and if gw is for real, i can become one of the popstar quartet he is scheming to launch...the whole glamour thing appeals to the side of me entrenched in my love of beauty and love of being loved. the whole fame thing is so alluring, simply because you are loved, by adoring people, who'll forgive all your sins. yes, reality check...singing is not my strength.
maybe i have really sexy phone voice, and performing to many people gives me the kind of thrill, i am not sure my heart can handle. fear, and yet, desire and fear stand side by side in all the things worth the doing.

but...i dislike having to schmooze that way, in short skirts and all. because without talent, all i will be selling is just my looks, leveraging off makeup, clothes, the image. acting, i want to do, because emotional complexity always draws me in. of course the whole thing is, while i am exploring all these happy exciting possibilties, folks ard me are settling and taking up positions, and building and strategising their lives from the extension of a job.

getting drunk on champagne with friends and the accompanying purge does wonders for me. always. i feel completely restored, my brains are working, i accept myself. make the best of what you've got.

so what i need now.
Education and Money.

Travel, and an editor, it opens the doors to seeing more, and drives the urge to see, first.
Tasting, i am not very confident of, though i am sure with practice things will pick up.
i need to learn lots of things, the more i see, the more there is to see and taste in this world.
can't get jaded, lost in drugs cos, there's just so much to see, to taste, to do. to feel, to experience.

delayed gratification. is that the issue?
more than that....
education requires delayed gratification. i make my living from gratification. I get gratified by space, beauty, and delicious things.

MINDBLOWING. i love getting my mind blown away by the wonders of the universe!
i need a kickass dress for tonight.
gotta caffeinate and go edit and write. JUST DO IT!

2006-04-25T00:47:00.000-07:00

on turning 26.
there's a few things that i want pinned down in text, the entire process seems to register a sense of control.

26.
i am working freelance as a co-ordinating editor in a food guide ( arguably the best ) in the country. the pay is nothing to shout about, the experience kinda rocky arduous and a sort of "wok hei" experience.

25
last year, i was an asst consultant of sorts doing headhunting in a banking and finance job, kinda of little cocoon for me, and contributing towards design mags and stuff...

and then the fall, the accident that did not immediately manifest its impact. and the trauma, the pain. and such.

romance.
was there any love. lots of romance tho...dates by the beach, under the stars, running off...all the stuff i wanted. and a variety of them too...gary said " hey you've dated more guys in a year, than many do in a lifetime!"

the whole will thing, that i decided to let go off.
three times a fool not i. and its faded.

i felt safe at sp, had lots of time and it was relatively relaxing. the writing provided a spur, the folks in the office were my little family. i felt stable, tho i wasn't making alot of money or raking it in, i felt safe.

the dark period, the delirious days wafting in and out of consciousness.
the pain in my entire body. art: painting alot, tokidoki jido, lightology! a sold out performance!

the good times...
my birthday. yea. that was great, i mean i felt really loved. my office getting me a birthday cake! oh that's so sweet of them.
gary's been a great friend. yahli, isa...and then later the whole adi thing. kinda intense burn out with a bitter aftertaste that i've just washed off.

spiritually

doi suthep.
5 days.
adi

zen retreat
5 days
angie, joylyn, vivien

the prayer, the church
ink, eefen

chinese new year, home with bro and parents and lil mango!
walking the dogs, and hanging out. that was good.

catching plays with friends and exhibitions.
yeah that was lovely. meeting up with joteh, mishelle, alvin and paul, that was great
meeting up with yahli, ravin, weijie.

travel.
taipei with gary, sass & sinyee. hmm that was fun!
bali to catch the "Lighting detectives", meeting Dougie who saved me from the over eager baliboys. yahli was there on-off too...hmm that was lovely.
chiangmai: which was alot of doi suthep and trying out the bike.

chatting with ahyi. i haven't really brought her out or done anything with her ...we should really travel together.

dad and mummy...it was good going home to see them, although i just haven't done anything much for them yet.

viv, did i see her much...she came back and we caught up but not for long. i hope she's good and hope to see her soon...hmmm....

i want to get a digital camera!

Across the universe

2006-04-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

~yea.
and so the day goes.
am gonna to try to pay phone bill, get some fitness and send my acceptance form.
hmmm

calm and working. there is this much to do, keep at it.
and so it is.

meditation tomorrow.
had hokkien mee with Aunt and caught Da Chang Jin together.

going to sleep.

2006-04-02T00:55:00.000-08:00

listening to the beatles.
my all time favorites. across the universe. hey jude.

five days at the zen retreat.

the feeling of oneness.
the silence. the liberation in not having to say anything at all.
counting from one to ten.

the koans were so much, so precious.
the story of the dog and the rabbit.
the story of the snowflake which stumped me
the story of the oneness of being.

Jai Guru Deva Om.
the food from MiaoYi Vegetarian Restaurant was delicious.
Makansutra rated.

Some drama. Julienne. Sliced finely, underneath it the oneness.
Just on the surface.

Loved the Lotus & Water

ET come home.
Native Country.

the Karmic tidal wave. I am definitely not kenshoed.
Irritated last night by Mel. realised that she is not really a friend.
Or maybe not my idea of it, I don't feel close to her, and i can't stand the holier than thou thing.
Enough

Viv called. Again. More emotional sturm und drang with Amanda.
And the crippled feeling about Mum's death.
Sick of listening to it. Told her to wake up and deal with it. Accept it.
Enough already.

Nothing is permanent.
Now gotta meet Ink for gym.

2006-03-24T09:47:00.000-08:00

best things in life are free.
brillant art performances at the esplanade, inspiring
there is so much talent here.

the singers charles, ivan & jase with a girl who's name i didn't catch taking to stage outdoors with a damien rice slant.
the saxophone was a good touch, and the voices brillant. listening to them from the roooftop with Yarles, Gaurav & Gary, i couldn't tell they were so young.

the lighting show was brillant, i enjoyed the gameboy and the night sky loads. Rizman Putera is a guy to watch out for. caught his pain of a thousand ants at the substation other day. I thought the gameboy was well thought out and interactive.
followed by a munch a crunch at glutton's bay. ran into liping and chuli.

popped into the office and checked the datelines with the folks. feet on the ground and keep walking.
stay on treadmill.

i need a foot massage, the solid kind very badly. hmmm, at the coronation plaza. yea.

tired.
so tired i can't sleep.

last night at velvet underground as touchstone.
hmmm...not really sure what love is entirely anymore.

Gaurav's perspective was traditional but radical. that love is cultivated, and the seven vows. respect being key and trust and fidelity and giving his wife all his money. wow. and the story about the 9m starched turban

am thinking about the picturehouse and the discussion over beer. the framing. the option of, yet to be confirmed.

going to be 26. on a good side, three little kids in a row today approached me to do modelling. Tomyam noodles and a hangover do wonders for my aura, must be. wonderful traipse at the thai embassy, i just love thai folks and their sweetness of being. had bird's nest, which i utterly adore for sentimental reasons. My mother used to tell me every morning how she would watch me sleep and see an ant slide off my cheek cos my skin was so smooth...from all the bean curd and bird's nest she drank when she was carrying me in her. she would tell me that. even now, whenever i miss her, i get myself some bird's nest, and feel somehow nourished and connected.

she used to make birdnest for all of us, and i remember how she would walk out to the garden in her batik night dress singing, and call me in to drink the tonic.

i'd wake in the morning, and walk down the stairs calling out for her, and very often someone would be on the piano. her, or my sis or bro. yea...and i'd follow her to do gardening. check the flowers and chatter on about my little "tupai" squirrel toy and later my 'yellow' or 'honey', the very cute little bear i had. it was pretty damn cute, being yellow with a really nice face, and long ears, it wasn't all bear, maybe something of a bear-bunny.

i'd wait for her in the evening as her car pulled in, and ask her shamelessly if she brought back something for me, something to play with, look at...and i would draw these ladies from my storybooks for her. I thought she was the most beautiful woman ever, and she would draw fashion figures and design her own dresses with a few deft strokes.

cutting fishballs was such a treat for me, i would follow her along, like a little puppy everywhere.

that is love, irreplaceable, singular, universal. forever.
i miss her, and always will. i miss her so much, yet i know all i can do is love those whom i have. to love papa is to love mama. he has gone through so much for us.

forever there is this space that is hers. the Mama space. When someone is irreplaceable, that's love. and maybe everyone is, but its what it means.

"every moment today, every day seems a lifetime, let me show you way, to joy beyond compare"

god, the church, the word, the over answered prayer. the grace gifted upon my moments. the healing i hope for. i want to be healed, and i feel the flow of god. i feel humbled and so found in the moments when i am redeemed from the wilderness of life, emotions and events.

this weekend. i'll make the journey home alone, and then to the grave, i feel so hurt already. I miss her every year and although it hurts, i embrace this feeling, for that's what special is, irreplaceable.

"you can make me whole again"

nothing in the world can be done without god's grace, even as i learn to heal and grow in mysterious ways, through people i had never anticipated.

all the oldies are play on the radio, and i feel so nostalgic.
sydney is scary and so very exciting all at once, the idea of being able to create a new reality, and to gain experiences so different and to live in a cool cosmopolitan place and to get the education and my masters. yea. to learn. and to love all over again, i am apprehensive all at once. i shall pray over it.

2006-03-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

and so it goes.

today. what did i do with today?
i met the health editor and through our chats i found out that she knew A, and she spoke about his ex girlfriend. That felt strange. I felt slightly unsettled.

i came home, a long busride it was from Woodlands. and i bought a battery charge to replace the faulty one with Russell's teeth marks on it. I miss that little one.

sent out a couple of emails. tired. finally spoke to yarles, isa and gary.
just pumping along...yarles is doing well, she just recieved a huge pay rise.
isa is thinking of studying. gary, as i predicted had a good day, but he was going off on a near spin...cos of the shape of the cake. I think its possible, but i just don;t want to encourage him to get all spun up over Geral, cos it could well backfire. We'll see. Good that the two made up.

Going down on Thursday to sign the contract.
I am beginning to really think about getting baptised and learning more.
I've always been exploring spirituality. Zen meditation, Buddhism, and in the background til now, the holy trinity, or God, and i just feel that God exists, and i perceive God's responses and the trail of god's mysterious ways.

Perry emailed back, thank god he wasn't hurt by Angie & I's grilling other day about God. Being him, he observed my misspelling and misspelled it back to me. Boy, he's really open about his experiences and brave in that way.

"Always look on the bright side of side. Forget about your sin, give the audience your grin. Always look on the light side of death, just before your terminal breathe.
And always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the light side of life. "

studying, must start and just walk the path. the trajectory from doing well draws far and deep into a future that has more.
yea. the sun will always always sun on the other side.

this is an emotional resting time for me i guess.
tomorrow i shall finish the Cathay article.

2006-03-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

just an ordinary life will do.
hmmm.

peaceful and calm. swam today at Majestic Hotel, and am feeling good about the exercise. Yeah, it was great to get away for abit and be sorta pampered. Got to share it with Ink, Eef & Angie too. That's nice. Suppose would have been great wth a lover, but i am not into anyone now.

Mala called me today to see how i am. I am not pissed off anymore. Mel's been feeling bad, and i said honestly that she should think about what she says, somethings i told her in confidence, and she said things in a way to hurt me, and if she could not empathise, maybe that's her life experience or lack of. But that's no excuse, i've told her before. She should reflect on herself , sometimes she is mean without considering other's feelings. I have nothing to say to her that i had not told her previously. So there. Its not like i will cut her off or that we're no longer friends.

"Eh, Always look on the bright side of life, always look on the light side of life, if life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten....always look on the bright side of life"

Gary's birthday today. So glad that Geral is going to get him a cake, i am sure that will bring him delight! Just spoke to him, he's rather withdrawn away from the bunch...been thinking about superficial friends and the like. Oh well, i suppose after the rough patches, if friends ride it through, they get closer. :)

Looking on the bright side of life. " You come from nothing, you go to nothing, cheer up you bugger, you've lost nothing"

Yea, the whole friends are superficial and the like. Oh well, we can only try to understand each other and be around and be considerate. I guess its easily to be so fat with other being there, that one takes people for granted sometimes. The opposite could be true as well i guess.

I hope i get the figure i ask for, i don't think that it is unreasonable. Yea. I get the experience too, which is relevant.

Moving On. Forgiveness.

Yesterday, i just wondered abt Adi and why forgiving him is different. Cos its deliberate. Deliberately hiding things from me. Twice. Lying. Concealment. That boy's got issues, which i am sure he'll settle hopefully. I am stepping out of that sort of stupid drama, it's no fun and its all for his ego. How silly. Not my cuppa tea. He is so damn insecure, so unless he can sort that out, the problems are bound to recur, the needing other women to validate him. Yes, its distasteful, but i don't have to take it. So i walk away.

Yea. Mel was outright and those were two very different, unless Mel was deliberate abt it. cos it was really hurtful and only an idiot or a malicious bitch would have said the things she did. Somehow i think she does have a cruel streak in her that wants to hurt others to make herself feel better, with the things people have told her. If she doesn't change, good luck to her and her friends.

I don't have to stand for it. So there, i make my stand.

Maybe it wouldn't be the same anymore. But i am under no obligation to have to be close to her anyway.
"Prepare a list for what you need, before you sign away the deed"

hmmm. Its easier to do what you want and to head towards it, than to think about what you don't want, and what hurts.
The flow of the river.

Noone's perfect i guess. Its really what you can accept. "Always look on the bright side of life"
So there. I can only work on myself. That's really all there is to it.
I want to have a good job, doing good, earn enough to save and have holidays and get a house and car and be comfortable. I'll like to help others when i am stable enough, and in my own little ways try now. Develop myself. Spend time with Dad, be good to him, and i know by being stable that puts him at ease. Study hard, get good grades.

Writing. I wanted to write. Now its better. I have to think about what i say as well.
all i can try to do is get better at what i express, observe and the insights that come with maturity. "Isn't it enough..."
hosting...Greg is giving me a chance. So i'll try to get better.

Life is pretty solo.
Solo whether you're looked at or invisible. Solo whether you're rich or poor.
I guess the fulfilment comes when you're able to share the good things and share happiness. Its harder to share burdens and few want to share it, cos burdens are heavy. I just hope i'll get strong enough to be stable and share happiness with my friends, and be part of a community that is loving, nurturing and supportive.

:)

2006-03-10T01:11:00.000-08:00

alcohol poisoning. but i survived. hosting the live music show at the club, introducing the two bands.
its been eons since i wore a mini skirt and bared my midriff all at once in a pair of high high heels.
yes, so i survived. Thank god Angie was there for moral support. Joylyn came too, and she had a back ache.

so i drank. one bourbon. another bourbon and so forth. the singers were more nervous, their live debut.
well. after that Angie & I went for dinner. and i threw up several times at home.

miraculously, the puking must have done something good, cos the pressure i felt at the base of my skull disappeared, replaced by a scoured stomach fragile and mightily ill.

the Volvo designer was ok, but i couldn't think of many very smart questions.

Met the M-director, hmm i hope i get the job. today i finally got my money returned from Yen. i rushed here and there and on cab fare alone, the money's almost half wiped out.

Majestic Hotel is fabulous. Met my old tutor there, and i love the room designed by Wykidd Song, the "pussy parlour" and attic rooms. I would get the Song room, cos its so very comfy...

sent in my photo and blurb to the magazine. its an ok shot. but couldn't exactly email or ask Adi for a hi res shot of myself after we've broken up, plus i think a general peace of mind is preferable.

How is it that getting drunk and puking seems to expel my pains. even my neck pain has gone away. Or was it the reiki i did on myself kneeling in bed, unable to sleep.

i am so tired...and i need to sleep. Blue Velvet later with Mala & her colleague.

2006-03-07T05:42:00.000-08:00

Energised today after my meeting with the M-guru.
hmm, maybe i had seen him before at the Ford showroom, i don't know.
"have i met you before?" he asked

"no, but i have definitely seen you before, in the article by Straits times."

and then he started testing me. Food. hmm.
ended off with "you're too skinny to be a foodie."

Joylyn " she eats more than me!"
"you have tapeworm in your stomach!"

hahahha.

however it goes.

i am tired after carrying my magazines to tras street, and now i have a strained headache. hurts.
gotta do research on Paul Tange, son of criticallly acclaimed architect Kenzo Tange.

my lower back is squealing too! my shoulders are so tight!
popped an anarex. i hope it goes away. my eyes are so exhausted.

surprisingly inspired when H called, after i asked him why he bothered to keep on playing when there's bound to be injuries and one gets beaten up at the games.

"is it for honour?"
"no, there is no honour, not external honour, more jeers than cheers."
"really, but personal honour?"
"well its to see if i have improved, and in the end i am the only one who knows if i've walked off the field performing better than last year."

hmm. Well, i certainly hope my writing improves. getting headaches very often, and it seems sometimes that i may never entirely recover, but i can hope. Saw May other day, and she recovered from brain cancer, such an inspiration! If God is willing.

cross my fingers that my writing cheque will come in, so i can pay off my phone bills and have some money to survive till the next cheque arrives.

I recall Tony Leung in 2046 chewing with bravado a peanut butter sandwich wrapped in a blanket. I eat my plain instant noodles with a slice of cheese, (cheese courtesy of Aunt). But i will survive. Most definitely. Keep on going. Keep on moving.
Keep on writing.

Recieved my free Time magazine today! that's a blessing. world news is so dismal. so much wrong going on...and i try to keep in mind that its all evolution in progress, that in the grand scheme of things, everyone is in a position to learn, yet...it seems so harsh sometimes. but this removes alot of bitterness.

God must exist, i am sure. I think of God as Love, Faith & Hope.
My neck is stiff, my waist nags, and ah, my head hurts.
the weather is ever so hot...oh i hope it rains tonight. yea. that'll be lovely.

Listening to Class 95.0FM love songs.

"listen as the day unfolds,
....
you gotta be
bad,
born
hard,
tough
stronger
cool
calm
stay together

all i know love will save the day
try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time.

cool
calm
stay together

time asks no questions, it goes on without you...

i feel feverish. i need a calf massage, its so tough. oh! but i cannot splurge on such extravagances.

chatted online with Viv, she's back at work.

i'd be interviewing my old tutor from Archi school who did the interior of Majestic Hotel. yea. good. sometimes i feel like returning to the drawing board, and fighting again, but its not the time, and i am not quite ready.

2006-03-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

Met Jo, Mel & Mala at Pho Hoa, Holland Village.
Its great being with friends, and they are the settled bunch of friends, on the track with steady boyfriends in tow, pretty settled and steady folks. And i, Mala just said " you must had a tough time in JC, so many rules, but you're such a rebellious kid." hmmm, not that much. JC was cool.

I mean i don't make a bunch of money, and i am not sure about my path, except that i will strive to develop myself spiritually and write and paint. Recently asked to interview for a designer job, but i will be competing with a friend, and i am not quite sure if that would be ethical.

Banks, so much money to be made there. Met Karen & May at the busstop...May's so pretty and she looks much healthier and rosy, good to know she's recovered. Karen's one tough chick. Hats off to Karen.

Blinkers on, girl. Focus on getting done what i can. Not everyone's meant for the samething, sure can't do what Mel does, allocate and invoice for corpses for research...i just couldn't. I couldn't count up the probabilities for insurance, i would puke blood and wouldn't comply! So there, this is my path, and i will be positive and walk with courage.

omg. H called, and he's ill. hmmm...what a strange concept: a trial relationship...really weird...

and then Viva rang. Ah Yi spoke to her and that was nice.
I finally cried, when i told Viva that i was angry still. And she was really curious, as both her friends disliked him when they met him over CNY. hmmm apparently HL was so worked up she spoke to Viva for a long time "this one cannot make it for Julienne"...

Viv told me she didn't think that he cheated on me, but felt that there was something really weird about the whole hiding thing, lying, his friend and all together he sounds like a possible sleazeball.

Sigh.
and that if i was so irked, it wasn't good. That i am so angry, that perhaps he just does things and say things in a way that irritate me...so it probably can't work.

Why? am i suddenly un-blind? How on earth could i have fallen for him? The books that he read, his sweetness and attentiveness...and now this side that really irks me. I don't know. I am so tired.

Being single is cool as long as i organise my time with friends, to meet up and to enrich my brain cells.
i don't get it...why is anyone like that.

Superman's Song - Crash Test Dummies

------------------------------------

Tarzan wasn't a ladies' man

He'd just come along and scoop 'em up under his arm

Like that, quick as a cat in the jungle

But Clark Kent, now there was a real gent

He would not be caught sittin' around in no

Junglescape, dumb as an ape doing nothing

Superman never made any money

For saving the world from Solomon Grundy

And sometimes I despair the world will never see

Another man like him

Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job

Even though he could have smashed through any bank

In the United States, he had the strength, but he would now

Folks said his family were all dead

Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself

To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going

Superman never made any money

For saving the world from Solomon Grundy

And sometimes I despair the world will never see

Another man like him

Tarzan was king of the jungle and Lord over all the apes

But he could hardly string together four words: "I Tarzan, You Jane."

Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes

I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back

On man, join Tarzan in the forest

But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes

In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through

And nothing to do but go on home

Superman never made any money

For saving the world from Solomon Grundy

And sometimes I despair the world will never see

Another man like him

(2x)

yea we do, yea we do

2006-03-04T09:18:00.001-08:00

there's no point hoping unless you do something about it.

" but you're the one who will succeed, you've only got to prove your need."
You Do, Aimee Mann.

headed to Singapore History Museum with Angie to catch the Art as Healing, Wounding and Work.
Tony kindly drove us there, he's a real gentleman.

So Angie & I slipped in and saw Asad Latif reading from a stack of academic papers...all i heard was the cutting of the thumb of the archer and thought, damn its gonna be tough...dry. Some folks left. But then again, Listening is love, and for the love of wisdom i listened. I wanted to know more about Orpheus.

The Q&A got better, much better.
The tragic tradition. The value of tragedy, and it made me accept myself, my works, i felt that i fit into a framework that just was denied. He thanked the audience, for he had thought that there might be only 1-2 participants. He had us all introduce ourselves.

Perry came midway, from Poetry Du Blanc, which i told him abt but skipped cos of plain laziness, til Angie & Tony came to pick me up. My calves are so tight. After the talk, we checked out "Revelation" but i experienced none, and Group of 16. I found the shit painting really funny. I liked 'Waiting" and "the queen's got a secret". Perry shared his poetry with Angie & I. Well written.

We had dinner and Perry was infusing us with his "reformist" christianity, and since he occupied a firm position, Angie & I felt
that a challenge was at hand. and so it went. He shared his story. A night of story sharing.

At Mama Lucia's, over a 15 dollar bottle of Soave, after i related my issue with my anger, my contempt, and my disappointment, the comparison, the humiliation, my disillusionment, my utter pissed off-ness, and my dislike and rejection of that wrath.

And then all of sudden, the usually silent Tony spoke up.
And he told me, to forgive someone, you've gotta forgive yourself first.
Don't compare, you can only be the best that you are, and that's all.
If its one tree that's rotten, chop it off, but don't burn the forest.

and he told me his story. so we are not alone. relationships are complex. being a human is complex.
I felt, like my anger was quenched. somehow, the knowledge that other people really have suffered, brings a certain comfort that i am not alone.

Vent it!
they tried to tell me.
Scream, paint, smash something.
but...maybe i am not there yet, screaming sounds fun but...i don't know. sometimes i wish i could cry, but this pain perhaps is not that huge, i mean, i've surmounted greater challenges, but ultimately i don't want to surrender to this flood, i don't want to be weak, i am not broken although i am breakable. i just can't. my calves are super tight with tension.

betrayal. "better pack your bags and run, or stay until the job is done. Maybe you can sit at home, and Providence will fray the road"

its over when i cannot bear to be touched. The intimacy is dead. The damage is done. Eyes wide open. "Isn't it enough for you? " Enough. "So better pack your bags and run, and send it to oblivion."

either forgive and return or forgive and let go, bottomline do what's best for me. "and do what you do ...isn't it enough for you?"

and then angie said something about how pain expands one's limits, and i felt myself expanding, to accomodate the rage, the disowned contempt i had contempt for...that it was human. and i felt the lyrics of "Jai Guru Deva Om" slipping through the vessels of my pink cells.

so there...mmmm....it somehow seemed alright, i felt normal, connected to the heartache of others, that my pain was not solitary.
"isn't it enough, and isn't it enough ...wondering out loud if hurt is on the way."

Both of them told me that "Samsara" made them cry, and i had thought it was a Category 3 movie.

everyone's experienced tragedy, its part of life, why deny it and hide behind a smoke & mirrors intellectualism?
"so you think you can love me and leave me to die, whoa baby, can't do this to me, just got to get right out of here."

yea, right into the next moment.

"and baby, isn't this your chance, to make your break with circumstance."

Human.
~
My anger,
the red red rose
of crackling flames,
a violent churn
of arrows and poisons
unreleased
contained
out of
a certain sense
of transcendence,

is this love then?
I spare you my anger
for my words will slice

Is this love then?
I spare myself the fuel you splash
passion turned bitter

let us not pretend,
for there is a time to refrain
from embracing

there will be a series of forgetting
i forget you in moments
stretches of moments

and maybe i will see you
in a new light
when you are forgotten

this rage is not mine alone to bear
and with the thousand other hearts
bleeding, tonight i will
expand,

and perhaps
in time
i might know my anger
as an ally

i try to keep anger at a distance,
anger knows my darkest dredges
my capacity for clenched
fists, white knuckled burning

but tonight,
i am not alone,
and this pain my own,
my cross to bear

I will be willing
and i will let go of this anger into the vast space i have had to grow to reduce its significance
maybe one day, my anger into peace and love turn
right now i am saved by oblivion....

~

2006-03-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

maybe i don't really want to know, how a graden grows, cos i just want to fly...
maybe i just want to breathe, maybe i just don't believe

laziness, a drift in a sea of clouds,
flowing in a sultry sorta bliss,
out on a boat, just being,
not quite headed anywhere,
and it is slow, and slow
and heavy,

too heavy my eyelids grow,
and i lean in,
curl up and fall asleep.

oh laziness, what do you do
is there goodness in you
laziness,
oh laziness you are too lazy to answer
later, you say, later

2006-03-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

the role of a critic...is to see the balance,

to note the good and the worthy, so that it will be acknowledged and can grow. to note too, where there is imbalance, lack or excess, if all parts fit within the central theme, if the work in its postmodernity still resonates.

neil gaiman was a rock journalist before he wrote. Oscar Wilde was a critic as well. It enriches the way of looking at things and it can be reflected towards one's own works as well.

yea.

2006-03-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

last night was great.
there was Mishelle, Paul, JoT & Alvin.
Together we went for the Indulge exhibition, that Hwee invited me to...wine, and hor d'oeuvres and looked around at the works of eric chan. the flowers were kind of dead, and everyone asked, can't this be done by photography?

will this be a commercial success, something that well is easily digestible. I could just see it. Flowers are easy. and with a blur, something easy to distinguish as something different. But was it good art? memory. is there a story? There is obviously something, that the position he occupies, is something that many young artists are challenging. So, why hold on?

My aunt thought the flowers looked dead. a memory is dead...mmm...we'll see.

Is there something there, i'll leave that to him to answer.
my job is to ask the questions.

The substation performance "Something in the way that she moves" with the Thais & the Japs.
I felt so sick after the Japs performance, my stomach was recoiling... sensationalism of the torn dolls, and the imagery evoked of the mountain of children sliced up sans organs made me feel so sick.

And more. I had really wanted to ask the Thais, how did they feel when the Japs made Thailand into some scary pit of organ selling place, with such exaggerations....was the pt to show the fear that wealthier nations felt, and the exploitation? perhaps, but the playwright wasn't there.

it was great to hang out with everyone again. its one of those rare times that i try to round people up to see stuff...and it makes my time much better. great stuff is better shared.

i am turning away. turning away. i am trying to move one with myself, feeding myself with inspired acts, listening to the voices of others.

"big black hole, my heart forsaken me, big black hole, my heart forsaken me" Black Horse & the Cherry Tree: KT Turnstall

~ woke up.
maybe everything is alright, even tho sometimes i fret.
how much is it all within our control?
We can only do what we can, and the rest leave to God, for the various other factors that are way out of our control.
The laziness i sometimes i feel, is inertia and the plain...well waiting for something to happen syndrome.

~

but the doing what's within my control is important. Very important.
taking what's for granted is not the way, although that is a trait i note in myself and other youngest kid in the family.

~

What have i been doing these days?
watching plays, art exhibitions and writing myself...creative writing. I suppose if i were to train myself it would be to immerse myself in the creative warmth of others to soak in their perspectives and learn, and that is what i am doing.

and Zen meditation. Food Tasting.

the one thing i am not doing enough of is : Sending out my CVs and trying to get more jobs.
Print my namecards. and writing sample food reviews. how to entice myself to do it...aren't they enticing things, possibilities, and fresh bright things. Hopes, that's what they are. Seeding hopes. Cultivating myself...such rustic metaphors.

is reading sometimes superficial. perhaps reading for knowledge necessitates something more. taking notes, registering.
hmmm.
i've been reading through the media books, and whilst some parts stick in my brain, alot flow through. Irrigation of new thoughts, setting up new frameworks to observe things.
~

i suppose i tired a little of chasing....ah! the hunter and farmer analogy!
got to be a hunter. and a farmer. now i am farming...and getting lazy. Its time to hunt for new opportunities and be sharp and alert.

~

when angie described "Kensho" i felt reconnected to the moment when i felt that way at 17.
That everything is alright, that in the grand scheme of things, we were all one and it is alright...we're all right where we are supposed to be, for now. That it is good to love and good to share, and good to just know that its alright.

"tell me would it kill you, would it really spoil your everything, if you didn't blame yourself. do you know what i mean. cigarettes and red vines...i'll be there with my hands tied, at the sidelines watching the show" Red Vines, Aimee Mann

~

its a lovely saturday.
i want to go down to the Singapore History Museum...but...there isn't anyone yet. Gotta call them...
who?

anyway...its too early to call anyone. Am gonna get meself a cuppa.
Write a foodie thingy. yea.

2006-02-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

"you are so beautiful to me.
you everything i hoped for, you re everything i need.
You are so beautiful to me" Joe Cocker

everyone wants to be loved, to be treasured, to be noted, to be observed, to be appreciated and have their good points pointed out. My friend Vicks is a teacher, and despite her stoic exterior, she's a real softie with a heart of gold, making the ideals work out in the urban mish mash, and getting to the kids, with a balance of strictness and cheery pinkness to it all. She believes without any hardcore declarations, cynical idealist.

I respect that. Its inspiring.

my issue has always been responsibility.
i write, cos i am an incessant one at that, and i need a blog to spill it all out. I need writing to sort out my thoughts.
so writing works for me. 'you only do stuff that you are obliged to" Vicks observed, and that's true in a way, there must be an emotional component to my stuff. At SP, i felt like everyone was my family, and i tried to be good to them, and doing my work was a way to be good to them.

i am very tired, and the pain is here, and i have to make friends with my pain.

Here is a letter i wrote to my pain, its back again, no matter how've i've tried denying it or wishing it away. So i've decided to respect this pain, after all it comes visiting for a purpose, and this is what i have learnt from just listening to this pain.

You have been there, in your way, in a time for me when pain, emotional or physical came and inhabited my being.

Letter to my Pain~Wednesday 03.59AM Jules

"Pain, my old friend you visit me.
You save me from numbness,
you let me know where it is i need healing
and save me from hurting myself further.

Pain, you let me know my limits
and you seed in me the possibility of transcendence
the possibility for compassion
dear pain, how i have hated you,
drenched in cold despair over you,
hurled paint and shed tears

Pain, you can transform into warm golden light,
and that is so much poetry,
and that experience is one of such meaning
Pain, i will decide to respect you.
Pain, i will try to love you,
and flow with you,
because it looks like you are here for reason,
although i may not totally comprehend why,
Pain, you have become an old friend of mine
since we have engaged in such intense
conversation.

Pain, sometimes i float in your arms,
and you weave channels for strange dreams,
where i remember the ones i love,
and i feel the intense love from unremembered places.
yes, Pain, it is good to love,
and i am learning to release to love everyday,
i have so much to learn,
to love without expectations,
and you, Pain tell me how much more i have go,
Pain, you're always honest,
because Pain, you're not me.

While we walk together,
I shall, try as a friend should,
to understand you, and to understand the meaning of our time together

Pain, you have woken my Passion
you have broken through my cowardice,
and plunged me so deep into physical pain,
brought me to face death,
and pulled me back,
and i am here alive,
and there is nothing much to fear,
what was it this life?
I had only fears about everything i didn't do,
and i thought only about the people i loved.
death is the end,
and this energy which is Julienne
is just not done being loving
and learning to be loved
as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter and
as a lover.

I am not done,
everyday, i am learning
and suddenly there is so much to be learnt
from those who love,
i learn the power and grace of their simple acts of love
i need move no mountains,
slay no dragons to be loved,
sometimes it seems,
i just need to be present,
and listen.

So speak, Pain,
and i will listen to your wisdom.
In my blindness and deafness
perhaps i needed you
to show me, that it is not what i thought
that i am not alone,
and that in my most vulnerable state
there is a grace uncompromising in its steadiness
gentle but firmly holding on to my hand
in this darkness,
where i have to drop my delusions
over-complicated
overdone ideas, on why and how
to be me

2006-02-28T11:18:00.000-08:00

Great dinner with Vicks & Xian, discussing all matters under the sun, politics and school system.
They liked my hair! Yeah, i suppose curly hair always suited me more, and is low maintenance in its own way.

I was so pleased when Ah Yi returned today. I miss her when she is not around.
I'll like to cook for her as she looks more tired each day. My grandmother, the matriach is 97 and whilst on occasion she is full of clarity, her body is very very delicate and frail, and she is bedridden and unable to walk.

What inspires me is how much my Aunt loves my grandmother, that she recounts the most positive aspects of taking care of her. She has such capacity for loving and its not just in words.

I've been staying here for three years now, and in that time she has been encouraging about my writing and my painting.
I liked the fact that she set some limits, such as not coming home too late. I feel loved that way.

Can't really write today cos i am tired, the pain has returned in a flash down the base on the right bottom side of my spine. What a long sentence. My eyes are tired.

Today Adi called, but i didn't pick up. i don't know. am i ready to be mellow? a certain self preserving reticence holds me back. I want to believe he loves me, but i am not convinced, and i just don't want to walk down a path to pain. Its not about avoiding the legitimate pain which is part of the risk of love, but the sense that it may be destructive to continue.

Whenever the pain comes, i wish i had someone to curl up to, like a kitten by the fire.
Oh, but its ok.

Gary called and we had a long conversation. Not trying too hard. The balance between trying too hard and sheer laziness, the issue of over compensation? maybe. finesse, yea that's what i shall strive for.
Finesse and grace. My aunt has finesse in the way she does things, without rushing, always calm and composed. she doesn't freak out, and she is rational.

i am tired but i cannot sleep.
My aunt's awake, i heard her sneeze. I hope she's not too exhausted.
hmm.

i think of Philip, my housemate in Gippsland. His sleeping dragon statue is resting on my needle set, with such a sweet expression on his little face. Hmmm, i feel rested just looking at it.

Have read 3/4 of Seeing is Believing about Visual Communication. Ploughing through the first few chapters on Human Communication. flipped through Focus Groups- research methods. oh boy. good feeling studying tho.

:) gonna go accompany my aunt in the kitchen. and aimee mann plays...

openminded+romantic+intellectual+grounded+practical+logical+out of the box. Smells good+Tall+Devoted to me.
yea...I described Garee's perfect gal and he described mine perfect match, the last three factors i added.

2006-02-27T08:01:00.000-08:00

I've finished the hibiscus petals.

"all that you've got are cigarettes and red vines, just close your eyes, cos you never know, they've got our hands tied"

I feel. And I feel so much and yet i know its not right to be always sad, that i must fight to charge ahead. Sometimes i just want to feel the love from another human being.

Yarles hooked with Takeo now. Gary's in a miasma of mel+geral washing machine of emotions. Viv's not really a listener.
ah there!

i want to go dancing, in a twirly red skirt to Tango Italiano, a really upbeat song. What a long life this seems to be, what will i do with myself, since i feel so un-here. and yet there is so much to do.

laziness.
i don't know.

i'll read if i cannot bring myself to do more, i have 12 books to read. Une Dolce Tango!
~

2006-02-27T07:34:00.000-08:00

just returned from a Zen instruction lecture in preparation of the Sesshin in March.
Vivien is really kind. Other person there was MeerDe(sp?) an IT guy from Kerkistan, ex USSR.

So i learnt about how to sit, straight, spine aligned, chin aligned....and the idea of Kensho, otherwise known as Sartori, a moment of realisation, which is tested by the Koan, a series of Zen Riddles. And she told us the one about the Muu.

A monk was looking at the dog, and asked Choshu, "Does the dog have a buddha nature?"
Choshu says "Muu" which means no. However the Buddha himself said that all sentient beings possess a buddha nature.
What did Choshu mean with the Muu.

So, there its not easy to cheat your way into Kensho with literary or intellectual acrobatic performances.

~

earlier in the day, I curled my hair today. I look very Japanese now, and am slightly ambivalent about the look, its very trendy.
ah well, so des nei.

~
felt really down on my way back....somehow the blues are getting to me.
~

really proud of the fact that i just went ahead and did it up and sent him the posters even tho the project is not working out for me, other then the financial implications of not getting that project, its just that i knew i could have done more. BUT< now i have sent it off. Did what i could. Let Go.

~
"Isn't it enough for you? Isn't it enough..." Aimee Mann

We are all perfect, Vivien said, and we strive to constantly see this. We are all one.
~
Tango Italiano, oh dolce tango~ Connie Francis.

I dream back to my "sartori" moment on a hallucinogen, we are all one~ that was so clear and so beautiful to me.
I miss John, and the times we shared in self discovery...what a long time ago that was.
~

My life is a series of moments of memories, and inconsistent and almost random.
Given the achievements i had when i was a kid, i seem to be underachieving in the financial department.
I have been working on my psychological and emotional state, its abundantly clear to me, that i need to find a constant and be able to lift myself above the fog of delusions, i can hardly see. i take the long meander...

Laziness is another aspect, and i get lost so easily. Hence awareness and consciousness must be the antidote.
I've tried numbness and that didn't work for me. I think of Chriz, and appreciate him in the moments that we had in his room, with its ceiling of clouds. doing things together.

Loneliness.
I work at home and there's noone, aunt's away. and i feel absolutely alone.
I miss having people ard to do things with.
~

Goals:
find a job in writing, editing, media.
go to cambodia
go to india
get a piece in the H.B, somehow, just can't give up
keep painting, exhibit when i am ready
keep wriiting and polishing~ short stories
a short film.

fix my back
Get Zen about it.
~

it would be great to have someone with me. Adi just txt, but what's the point?
Sigh. Perfect just as it is. Perfect, pure and isness.
~

2006-02-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

its a tournament of the roses.

2006-02-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

Self soothing, so said Al Pacino, the CIA dad in Meet the Fockers.

and that's what i am doing, licking my perceived wounds.
I woke up, tired out from the photoshop and graphics and the confrontation. I suppose the disappointment of not getting the art project struck me and now i think, i really didn't do that well..i ll photoshop the stuff next time. All caught up with the situation, and drained and confused. Whatever the reasons i provide for myself, the FOCUS is the real thing.

So, i'll just walk on and continue my stuff.
Writing and painting. Maybe its not time yet, Yarles said.
Maybe. i've been just in and out of this physical pain.

As for the other emotional situation, i am just walking away. I walked off, now i've listened and i think its dodgy and rubbish.
yeah, i just dislike the visual picture of a them against the world. Yea, life is complex. So there.

Now i am just too tired to care.
I've got the books from Alvin and will read. There's always something to do, and even though it hurts, i guess there is a reason why, and there might just be a silver lining in this cloud- not getting the art project. Did i really want to do installation?

I want to paint, and i am doing it and it feels good. I guess if i want to exhibit, i am gonna have to go on at it and scout around, keep my head and heart intact.

Somehow i just didn't feel that the project was mine.
~

on a good point.
Went out with Angie & Joylyn to Au Petit Salut, a french restaurant at Holland Village. Joylyn has one heck of a critical tongue, that's why she is a food critic, she really knows her stuff. she told us stories of exotic cuisine, the monkey brain, the tortoise, oh i couldn't bear it, the cruelty we inflict on animals...the bear paw really saddened me and Angie too.

Angie's such a beautiful person, sometimes when she talks i think the world is too hard a place for someone as soft and loving as she is. Was just looking at her pic in the handphone when Joylyn commented "Doesn't she look so vulnerable?"
"Yea, she has a fragility about her, a breakability."

Breakability is not a bad thing. I have just been thinking so much about pain. there is a transcendence possible with pain, the openess to recieve god, or spiritual grace in that sense, i felt it, but now i really see it and it is written in M Scott Peck's the Road travelled and beyond.

We had a bottle of white wine and i had Escolar, a thick slab of Balinese fish on a potato salad base, fringed with tossed vegetables. Joylyn had the Duck Confit. Confit she said, is a peasant's food. Confitting involved cooking the meat in alot of oil for 8 hours, until all the oil in the meat itself is drawn out, and the extra oil is kept for other cooking purposes for the peasants. Rustic French cuisine. However, the duck confit was not quite well done, the meat was a little dry and the outside a little oily, and a mysterious piece of pork was in the confit as well...It really looked like a stew.

There's so much to notice if one just learnt how. Stretching the pleasures of this earth.
I loved the oysters, so creamy and fresh. Memories of Trengganu, canoeing out there with Jeanne on the rocks with a screwdriver chipping at the oysters, there's goodness whatever happens i guess.

Emotions are so complex. Meditation. " I was unable to arrive at enough consciousness to get to your place at 6.45" i said to Vivien. "Bum on cushion, that's good enough." Angie said.

It was great hanging out with them. We went hunting for Potong Pasir, for Alvin's place, and waited outside his door looking at thesoap figurines. The books will be a good introduction.

So, we headed around and commented on Joylyn's 1000+ stereo system...as i sang along to the songs unconsciously until, Angie remarked " Hey, you really know the lyrics to every song." and it was strange..i guess the jazz classics and love songs are really what i like to listen to on repeat just cos its so soothing.

The Thieves Market.
I felt strange looking at old stuff, there's so much curiosity. All i thought was we have so much STUFF. Just so much stuff.
Old folks were there. And the police came, and those without licenses were frantic, and Angie helped them to pack. My sense of self preservation got in the way, my first thought was selfish " I don't want to be rounded up with them!"

The random acts of kindness touch my heart. I felt myself growing just looking at her.

We drove ard to Little India, past One Rochester where Fabian brought me other day.
Which restaurant? Broth, Memoir. It was great to have a treat being part of someone's little project.

L'Aigler Dor is the foremost french restaurant according to Joylyn.
and its really cool, how despite all the richness, sometimes all the Makansutra folks just go back to simple overcooked macaroni and soup in rich MSG-less broth.

~

Home and i got down to the photoshop again feeling revved. Wrote a script, very simple, very visual, but my first script! titled "Surreal Bread".

"Isn't it enough for you, isn't it enough? isn't it enough for you, isn't it enough for you? better pack your bags and run, send it to oblivion, you don't look like anyone, that anyone would care about." Aimee Mann

~

Abt him, we shared times and memories. And those were good. And now.
Its damaged and perhaps thats what it is. How much compatibility is there in each individual? In the beginning its always beautiful, and then we all have different ways of looking at the world.

Can you take the shit too> dished by other?
does it all boil down to that?

I ended by saying " i am sure you are doing whta you think is right at your particular stage of evolution. I've asked and founded out what i needed to know."

"That's a way to say it."

and
"goodnight"

~
I've had so many relationships in comparison with some of my friends who are with their first or second sweetheart and superstable.

there's this restlessness...i dive right in and pull right out.

"Can you save me, come on and save me, if you could save me from the ranks of the freaks that suspect they could never love anyone...it struck me down, a grideon like Peter Pan or Superman, you will come to save me..."
Aimee Mann, Save Me

~
i have this affliction. I desire for the perfect ultimate love. I want to be that perfect love as well.
I have had fantastic experiences but also the pain. what is a longstable love like?

Talking to Vivien and Sunendras, all he said was "Its going to take about 10 relationships before you know what you want."
sounds like me.
~

i'm going to have my lunch and go out for a bit...and come back and write.

Love to the great wide unknown world outside. I'll never really know, so there. Faith?

New Year Malacca Jonker Street

2006-02-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

Pepsi & Lang

2006-02-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

Up the Mountains DOI SUTHEP

2006-02-20T10:43:00.000-08:00

so i've disappeared for a wicked long while.
love as there say arrives like a storm, never in half measures of late afternoon showers.
or so. not for me.

and what have i done.
I rode the surf and to chiangmai i went, the place was lovely.
Will was up there, and i chose in a passive manner to miss him, in a way to break with the past. In a way to embrace the present.

the two dogs Lang and Pepsi were really cute. stayed by the man made lagoon.
the weather was cool and lovely. the tall fir trees paved my imagination to europe.
it was good while it lasted. the first signs of thunder onn the horizon.

the air ticket. big issue, i hate people changing my plans for me and TELLING me about it.
and more.

So i headed up the mountains to Doi Suthep. Some part of Miss "take it or leave it" kicks violently underneath the calm i try to maintain.

5 days up the mountain.
lovely scenery. I could see the entire town from Doi Suthep, how the waterways worked, the lines in the night illuminated by light.

The characters, and such:

TIM: Hyper, nirvana seeking british ex Barclays banker. A moment of "Sartori" afforded by the hallucinogens in UK's night scene set him off on this journey. He acquires experience in monasteries like a PSC scholar acquires diplomas and degrees.
I am sure he knows alot. Knowledge, facts and he talked A into staying for sure. But he was no mellow fellow.

DUTCH GUY IN WHITE: he hardly spoke. just radiated utter calmness and i felt lighter in spirits just seeing him. tres inspiring.

THE NUN WITH THE BROWN POODLE: She was really pretty, such fine features, just looking at her face set my imagination rolling, was she once the village beauty who lived through the sturm un drung of passionate love and tragedy, and now shorned, pours out her love towards the animals? Doi Suthep is the unofficial SPCA, cocker spaniels, poodles and mongrels all hang out together and the Nun feeds em.

THE CANADIAN MONK:
He was quite cool, really ultra mellow.
However i laughed at the opening ceremony....the Samo Bhagava and so forth, tripped my tongue, and i couldn;t help it.
just couldn't. i tried not to breath it made it worse. I turned a suffocated red and kept my mouth shut but eventually i had to join in.

Vipasanna.
yeah, all the walking, and sitting.

THE GERMAN RENUNCIATE:
she had a great sense of maternal warmth. she encouraged me to stay even when A wanted to leave. I was sick of A's excuses, and said i was staying either way. I couldn't bear it i had to talk. I had to write. I had to draw.

I showed her the butterfly i stroked, i petted the wings of a butterfly!
That was my "sartori". She got it too. She petted it as well.

I didn't say it then, but the butterfly allowing itself to be stroked was a MIND BLOWING experience.
just a slender body carrying such a heavy weight of wings, but perhaps...i thought my pain can be transformed into something beautiful and uplifting, so i hoped to feel.

THE AMERICAN GIRL
She had frizzy hair and multicoloured socks. She never spoke, except to the Vet, who eventually toold us one of the dogs was rabid, and had to be put down.

THE INDIAN DUDE
The only other Asian. We never spoke, but i looked at him, cos he was Asian. He didn't look particularly troubled, but who can tell right? I could never imagine Heath Ledger being gay, i mean i just watched Brokeback Mountain, and asides from having my thoughts provoked, one thought prevailed: Heath Ledger is so hmmm....yes point being its hard to tell by appearances.

MY ROOM.

i got the corner room, overlooking the mountain of lush green with a balcony i practiced my walking meditation on.
Left, Right, Left. and i washed and hung my white clothes out to dry. Incredibly serene. So serene, i miss it as i write.
the full retreat is 21 days, i went for 5.

I wasn't so afraid, as i imagined i would be, being alone in a strange room.
the mattress was thin, and the place incredibly simple.

THE CHANDI, ( THE GOLDEN STUPA)
I felt like belonged there, i felt protected.
especially opposite the White Buddha. Ard 7 i would go up there and meditate after all of the visitors had left.
The gradual dissolving of my body was pleasurable, a buzzing sensation as i felt each of my molecules stir into life, into wakefulness of life, and although the pain came and stopped me for that day, i felt lightened.

THE CHANTING
i felt shy, i felt strange, and i felt like i didn't belong when all the monks were in the room, and outside chanting. I felt a sense of exclusion, because they were mostly male. and then The German Renunciate beckoned. I sat. Still. My gloves were keeping me warm.

The buzzing dissolving of my sense of solidity. The pain, i remained in position, and then the pain in my spine became a warmth, a great golden warmth and i felt a sense of great joy and bliss for that while. The chanting strengthened my sitting, though i could not understand the words.

~

down the steps. I went shopping. Couldn't resist. 5 days.

the rules ( recommended)
No eating after noon
No sex, flirting etc romantic activity
No beautification ( no colour, makeup etc)
No writing
No talking ( Argh!)
No smoking or drinking or drugtaking

so i shopped. Well i bought three lotuses, i thought that qualified as a spiritual purchase. The lotus after all was the only piece of room decoration i thought appropriate for this period of time.

and i ate. i couldn't resist.
i bought instant porridge, drank coffee and had tomyam soup.

BUT I meditated. really pushed myself, though pushing oneself may not be Zen, but this was not Zen Buddhism but Vipisanna.

and late in the night, i smoked too.
and boy did i talk, even A called me a "regular chatterbox"

~

yeah Doi Suthep...and more...but now, i need to sleep.

2005-11-24T01:09:00.000-08:00

you keep telling me,
we are different
different from the rest,
and i laugh

so tell me again,

we are special,
we so elite,
you and i, the same but special,
oh so unique

i indulge a little in this relationship propaganda

we the duo cult of the cream,
lick it off my cresting ego,
and i worship the colours
of your multi awardwinning soul

kiss me, give me some public validation

let's fly some strings,
tied to my eyelashes
stretch my horizons,
and flood the mirrors

2005-11-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

i was in the taxi, when D smsed me to get the book from him and to meet him for a quick dinner.
'hmmm. what an unpalatable sms, i was getting sick of the idea of him. as gary said, it sounded extremely boring and he was not exciting enough for me. maybe it was the chemistry...hmmm H was far more romantic thought seemingly crazy too.
Now just wanted my neil gaiman book back!

I didn't feel like meeting D.
"going for a party at raffles place, will pop out and get the book from you., when you're done."

I met isa, and told her i felt icky abt D.
"enjoy your party girl, i'll get the book from him, gotta run for my own dinner plans."

~

the rush of love.
the unbelievable connection.
i ascended up the escalator and i saw him.
from my school bus.

hmmm
so i smiled,
and that started the whirlwind.
"julienna? from 6944"
"julienne"
"what are you doing here, how have you been?"
"i'm a designwriter, my editor told me to drop by. and what about you"

he whipped out his namecard," i'm the editor for "xxx"
poltrona frau's designed a new interior for ferrari. "

alright, i thought.

"can i get you a drink? what would you like? moet? "
"sure."
"wait here, i'll get it for you."
"sure"

hmmm, thought I this guy's changed alot since the schoolbus days, where we had nary a thought exchanged other than the usual "could you move in a bit? " "mind getting the window for me?"

interesting, i thought. he introduced me all the girls at the reception and for a moment i thought he was throwing the event.
we shared a few sips of the champagne

'its been a long while, what a decade or more?"
we laughed.
"and how have you been?"
"alot has happened, but i'll tell you another day."
i smiled.
and he said " Let me show you around"

the moment we entered, i met familiar faces from the international design conference yesterday.
"hi, there" "oh you look famiiar." estee lauder's design head and poltrona frau's spokeperson were there.
smiles and exchanges of the name card and polite commentary on the speeches, on vivian balakrishan's easy impressive speech and the consultants for apple.

and i turned,
"william, here is adi, adi, william"
"elena, adi, adi, elena"

"you know, she used to sit on my schoolbus, and she made my mornings an event just by getting up the bus"
i startled in a smile. oh he is so full of nonsense.

william and elena looked at me. "how do you know this guy?"
"well, this is the first time i've seen him in ten years. and yes, we sat on the same school bus from malaysia to singapore," we started to laugh.

william turns to adi "how old were you?"
adi shrugs "fifteen"
"and you must have been what? six years old?" will widens his eyes at me.
"i'll take that as a compliment..."

i felt like an entertainment channel.

from inside looking out

2005-10-12T04:59:00.000-07:00

from the outtside looking in.

Damien was perfect for me. Very successful, very smart, french, charming and seemingly proper. Til i found out about the other girl. And I just couldn't for the life of me, cross that line with him, but i developed emotional attachments.

and it hurt. what had he thought? his girlfriend wanted to meet me, and he wanted to cont'd seeing me and the talk about "oh, you never know, we could be married in ten years" as if i needed comforting or was a girl going fishing. Maybe he never got me.
and at the dinner, he obviously couldn't hold his liquor, telling the guys that we were getting married and stuff...

and...i felt like my heart was a little squashed, but somehow i just couldn't and didn't cry at all. I felt as if I had been a fool. but at least we never got really close. I couldn't ever kiss him, somehow. maybe it was my instincts.

and as it happens, H called me and i told him all about it and i don't think he is a real asshole, he is probably just full of attitude? he listened and comforted me, and talked me into the wee hours of the night as i said "i feel terrible"

Brendon and Marshall asked me about that the next day. And they cheered me up too...after the Minister left Rouge, we went drinking and when they stood up...i realised just how huge the two guys were. Simon, was there as well, we went to Top Ten to experience the sleazy underbelly of Singapore...had a few laughs, and they told me vignettes of their life stories. Felt good connecting.

so, maybe H is not an asshole, maybe he had his reasons. maybe he's bad at PR...and specific examples of Ass-holedom- he looks like he is full of himself, he is superhot and he knows it....well real Ass-holedom to me, is being mean to people, old folks, defenceless animals and such.

I willl get to know him for myself.

2005-10-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

so many events. design singapore. meeting brandon and marshall =sydney noise. worked up about my expectations which were prob unfair, but well dropped it. h's been driving me around, which is pretty nice of him.

"superhot but a huge asshole" from her impressions back in sec sch...so says the pretty arab girl from Gary's office who had a huge crush on him before and she wants to see him again. i mean, he's still superhot. Yesterday, he looked completely droolworthy, but the "huge asshole" part has my reservations up...hmmm... i don't know what to do about this.

I wonder why he is so into me? is it the thrill of the chase? but i think we can connect, and he's really nice to me.

what ? why?

well, last night he rang and was it the hour, he said he has a thing for me and ...it got odd, i don't know if he intends to disappear or ...what? he is afraid of getting hurt.

really don't know...saw that arrogant egotistic side of him, as I had been waiting to see, since everyone tells me he is super arrogant. but it is true, i mean, he does try to bring me to romantic places. the airport for ice cream, the beach to talk...the starlight cinema, the esplanade by the bay....and his friend thinks i have "an aura of coolness"

gary thinks its contrived romance. hmmm. but at least the guy is putting in effort. I don't know. really.

Is it purely a superficial attraction?

BUT!

I will be leaving for sydney next march! OFFER LETTER from University of Sydney! Masters of Media Practice! One year program! Cool!

yea. excellent completely excellent.
the only school i applied for.
One shot bullseye! whee!

by march i should have recovered. yea. tres stoned last night, w3hen the pain was so bad i popped one after another of the muscle relaxants...anarex.

cool!

2005-09-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

i love strategic partners!
hmmm.

spoke to Joseph today. so he asked me to go to the church and gave me a fatherly mini analysis on the situation and my strengths and weaknesses. and we laughed. he told me he thought i was "a gem" but that i seemed to have lost my focus and am distracted by my love of writing, and that the accident seems to have changed me. And has it. i felt kinda chided when he said he had great plans for expansion and all he needed was the right person, and he looked at me.

"human capital that is what we are about, its all about the right person"

and isn't it?
and then he looked at me in a fatherly way and said, "its hard out there in the real world, you know, you must remain focused"

in a backhanded way, he complimented me on my high iq and followed to say that the admin job was not for me to do, since i would be look at the ceiling and start day dreaming and be bored.

showed Barry my questions and he gave me his mini analysis on it and was so delightfully encouraging and cheering me on! just give it my best shot and to not go out to play this weekend...so that despite the competition i'd just do my best and have no regrets. yep. barry is my good father.

Daisy thinks i should go back to school and get "more papers" which i will. should apply to more schools. London? very expensive, though Viv is there and she wants me to go over, and there is nothing for me to do there except to study...oxford literature undergrad...which sounds prestigious, tough to get in and three more years! well, i guess...if i don't have to support myself, but really...its prob quite unrealistic. Sydney would be affordable, although i would be alone...but Juleen is there, though we have drifted so far apart. I wonder when she'd marry Jimmy?

wheee!

who am i is a morpheus idea, a dream like state, i wake to a bliss and change and that which remains is a constant and indicates in a way the marker of existence that already is.

h called last night, he seems worried that i am angry with him, and offered to send me to and back from work everyday til i end, which is very sweet, but unnecessary. yea, i shall hang out with him again, he seems so genuinely concerned about me but have categorically told him not to interrogate me and to smile, and to generally relax.

gary sent me home yesterday, after he scolded me for smoking a sampoerna. am sick of taking medication, but smoking is ineffective self medicating of stress. took a mobic which had no effect. took another one, and started to feel stoned.

rolf at naxos sent me an email on his own language...encouraged him to cont'd. his writing...

had a lovely sleep, and a strange stressful dream that ended quite nicely.

i dreamt that i was by the beach in australia, frolicking in the nude when a horde of australian oldies and ruggers came to shore. I gathered my towel and attempted to run back to my beach house, which is my aunt's place. along the way, i fell down, and was muddied. and the ruggers were fairly rolling in the mud.

feeling terribly self conscious, i went back and stumbled into the grounds, only to find my keys on the grass, and be told by the housekeeper that my aunt had left this place, since she is upset by the divorce. I was chided for dropping my keys and for not being a good "house watcher" in that sense.

I walked in and there was a family in the house! not mine. I asked the house keeper " what's going on, why are there so many people in this house now? "
please get them to leave.

a young boy started to try to bully me, and all i wanted to do was go up to my room, but i couldn't find the staircase.

and then i saw woks and statues covered with grease, "what manner of things have you been getting up to in this house?"

and i saw a young man polishing a buddhist face idol, and i asked him

" was there a ritual in this house?"

"yes"

and then i began to feel that as least he was giving me information, when....
the bully turned up, and the good guy morphed into jet li, and started to smile and i felt incredibly happy and reassured that everything was gonna be alright...and then it was time to go to work.

hmmm. right, probably the mobic.

interviewing for my replacement.
pretty interesting. banking and finance grad, high iq, and driven according to joe. isa gave me a much wider goal post. Joe pretty much narrowed the search and said for me, it was a special hire, but banking and finance is pretty much a pre requisite.
hmmm.

very few people have nice voices. that is true. yea. phone etiquette and general voice.

i think i sound a little squeaky when i'm excited, but mostly daisy and lin think i have a sexy voice. hehheheheheheh....or serious. so its a three mode voice i have.
sexy, serious and squeaky...or bouncy, according to daisy.

yea, gotta start cracking on my 11 questions.

2005-09-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

ALL KINDS OF EVERYTHING
lyrics by Dana. 1970 chart topper

Snowdrops and daffodils, butterflies and bees
Sail boats and fishermen, things of the sea
Wishing wells, wedding bells, early morning dew
All kinds of everything reminds me of you

Seagulls and aeroplanes, things of the sky
Winds that go howling, breezes that sigh
City sights, neon lights, grey skies or blue
All kinds of everything reminds me of you

Summer time, winter time, spring and autumn too
Monday, tuesday, everyday I think of you

Dances, romances, things of the night
Sunshine and holidays, postcards to write
Budding trees, autumn leaves, a snowflake or two
All kinds of everything reminds me of you

Summer time winter time spring and autumn too
Seasons will never change the way that I love you

Dances, romances, things of the night
Sunshine and holidays, postcards to write
Budding trees, autumn leaves, a snowflake or two
All kinds of everything reminds me of you

All kinds of everything reminds me of you

~ amazing stuff i heard in the cab. a restorative sprinkling of sweetness... a certain sense of a goodness that makes me feel whole.

a memory of this song, wind in my hair looking of the car, by cameron highlands.

~ cont'd

lunch with the malcontent gary who pricked my bubble. I refuse to be a lamp-post prop for his ego to stir jealousy ( if any) from mel.

can't do the admin work. very boring. cannot engage with this filing stuff. excruciatingly brain numbing.

maybe i should leave earlier. i will miss Barry, Daisy, Isa and the jokes from YC too. I have one week to complete 11 questions and my freelance work as well.

yes. focus on being productive & positive.

hmmm.

2005-09-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

fantastically happy today. feels good to see him...tho i didn't say anything, because...is it intellectual attraction only? hmmm...is there always an agenda with men? he seems so well agenda-less...maybe i am just pleasant attractive company. maybe it doesn't matter, need happiness be examined? its nice to feel warm fuzzy and content...

forgot to stick my wallet into my bag. again! tonight i will go home early, and try to fit in a swim. I think i badly need exercise. my muscles ache, tell me is it atrophy? I can't sleep well at all. maybe a super good foot massage is needed. the one at coronation plaza...hmmm.

yc spoke about his friend's dad in hospital ICU for a mth. the bill: 200 K.
talk about a real nightmare. hospital bills should be subsidised. sigh.

maybe i was too harsh with h. he is after all a boy...or is he? still in the uni, coaching and playing...hmmm...but i don't know. gary, angie, isa and viv all pronounce him wrong...hmmm. let it be, let it be...

2005-09-26T02:34:00.000-07:00

yes. therapeutic exercise.

count blessings

0) Interview with I-S, my diabolic cover letter got me somewhere!
1) I got a cab to work
2) I got a cab to the interview despite forgetting my wallet. There is a God and good people
3) gary is gonna buy me a drink tomorrow
4) Viv wrote me
5) cleared the air with H. so someone thinks i am attractive.
6) I have the Gary Baseman interview to do
7) Am at stage II of the interview. have no idea what a "slow screw up the wall" is, but am putting my money on the drinks list. 11 questions. One week. Tons of research to do.

Will i get the job?
No more lackadaisical moo-ing round the bush...now is the time to pounce.

8) had a full body massage last night
9) watched the myth and caught some good jazz.
10) my understanding of french sucks big time but at least the company is fun
11) had dinner with Angie, which spurred the crazy friday phone call
12) actually may go ahead with Friday's plans
13) God works in mysterious ways
14) My hair is pretty today
15) Joseph finally accepted my resignation and everything is cool

2005-09-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

feeling like a vortex. just interviewed at I-S. for once. I was OVERDRESSED! ah....too formal, corporate. sigh and my writing is too "heavy"

all is not lost. there will be a writing test for me. so we shall see. Having officially resigned. via the phone. I need a new home, courage stand me in good stead.

my impulsive decision on friday was watered down and by now...perhaps prudence and hesitation stand me in better ground. irony. i always like the guy too late it seems. he just seems like the ideal person now. yet...too late i think. too late. ah. angie thinks i should go ahead with the message...which i think i don't know what to say anymore. must have been a divine intervention yesterday to stem the words that might have changed history. yea right. well, if his heart changes so swiftly, i guess it might well be the right decision to remain as always...silent.

and h called. relentless seeking correction. so this guy likes me instead. but not the "right fit" kinda funny but very unbroken into. I proposed friendship as an intermediary platform. he won man of the match in his game over the weekend. but a guy like he is too much too handle. don't like moodiness.

perhaps i should just go and meditate in a monastery, and be a nun for a bit.

gary wants me to go as his date for a wedding dinner to spite the girl he likes. how childish men are! i think he should just go solo!

nothing is working out just yet. all in good time. gotta trust god. have taken leap of faith, now that resignation has been accepted.

have tons of laundry waiting doing. forgot my wallet while coming out! ah! sigh!

stay positive. have lychee martini ice cream in the freezer. maybe will console myself with another foot massage today.

stay afloat. keep swimming.

2005-09-16T03:10:00.000-07:00

maybe today i have clambered out of this old shell,
rank with the thoughts of old and confined ceilings,
crumbled about me,
the sky is only as vast as the next thought
if i cannot have simplicity,
then i shall embrace the juxtaposition of words,
and thoughts that assault me randomly

read. new books. new thoughts.
i need a new book.

2005-09-16T01:51:00.000-07:00

sigh. wrung myself the right and left and all around my maroon bed, tossing and turning. I just could not sleep. was it good enough, were my haikus corny?
a new style, how will it be thought of, recieved.

but i was exhausted. I needed to rest.
my stomach churned and i realised i had forgotten about dinner.
not a good rest.

woke up, read through it. thought i couldn't do it anymore, haven't gone thru it again and again, i just sent it out to HY and A of FW to chk the draft. when i get it back, i'll fwd it to LH.

Can't be perfect i guess. i feel so ...

find it especially hard to write about a design when i have met the designers. It takes more for me to sift through the more complex overtures of sensitivities of teh place, talking to the person etc. Words don't do justice sometimes i feel. I wonder i can convey what i want to. Trying to capture the exact shade of what i feel. Plotting an opinion. Trying to draw out something that is not immediately obvious from the photos.

sometimes being aloof and detach helps.

have decided to stem my neurotic self doubt and just sent out both articles.
yea. I need to rest sometime.

came to work today, exhausted, my eyes are faded brown and i feel like an old cloth today. i want a foot massage so bad!

I hope noone pukes at my amateur haikus.
oh. whatever, gotta take a risk sometimes. Live and learn.

2005-09-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

counting blessings part III

went for a swim yesterday
finished first draft at least of Villa Banteng
aunt cooked lunch
interview at the state of the art Learning lab
email from friend, safe and sound from Hurricane Katrina!
aunt is supportive of full time writing
lots of laughter at work today
two close friends are madly in love~ share the joy!

damn sleepy. floating on morpheus's wings, the msucle relaxant and ssri. back still hurts.

H offered to pick me up and bring my things back from work today, which was pretty nice of him. Hmm. Breakfast with Isa, leaving at the end of the month, should secure a job first. I guess they are all worried about me, that i might suffer.

hmm. only i know that.
all i know is that its hard for me to say good bye. I am so attached to the familiarity and comfort.

really happy to know that Dg is safe in Florida, and not hiti by Katrina. Nice to have a penpal.

this morning, Isa told me how's she is utterly smitten by this person she met. Sounds like a whirlwind.

hmm, i feel like snuggling back to bed and sleeping for a good few hours.
sleep is divine.

2005-09-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

counting my blessings

met with goretti yesterday to resolve the conflict within me.
she pronounced me sorted.
and maybe i can write about her experiences with past life regressions.

i wonder what my past life is. too intensely drained yesterday, my eyes were like hamburgers, she didn't do regression but TMJ. She asked me to think about the business potential of my art, since i'm s'pposed to have a hidden trait of entrepreneurialship.

interview with the Learning Lab at twelve thirty.
well. we'll see.
certificates and a suit.
writing for children?

p'haps p'haps' p'haps.
at novena.

food delivery with horoscope.

blessings

i am alive today!
my pain shows i am alive
my dad loves me
my sis cares for me,
my aunt is cool.
i have no pimples,
i have had twelve hours of deluxe sleep
i feel new
i have a great lush green tree outside my window
i am taking french and getting confused! ;P
my speed of reading chinese has improved a teeny weeny bit. i can actually read a chinese headline at one sweeping glance (most of the times)heheheheh
i've finished with a large part of my emotional issues, the minefield is cleared!
the therapy is paid for!
i've made my decision.
i am not afraid
keep focused.
i'll only get prettier when i sleep more! heeheehee
with the ssris which ensures a consistent amount of serotonin in my brain, i will not slip into depression for at least 20 days. which is true. i guess maybe the doc is right, i mean, if it helps it helps.

advantages of working from home.

i'll get enough sleep, and heal better, less pollution, my skin'll get better
i can plan my own schedule, meet with people interview them and write.
be relaxed while i write. i can't stand excessive stress over a long period of time. guess i am not a toughie that way.
no need to spend on cab fare to rush to work.
learn to cook own lunch and dinner ( when i have the time)

i can't find my uni cert!
yipes!

because i saw Alfred the M&E supervisor

2005-09-13T00:23:00.000-07:00

I want to be living in an old city, looking out from a balcony with wrought steel curled like the fronds of fern towards the street. Where i can hear the city wake in the morning, the church bells ring, the school children walk by, smell the freshly baked bread.

and perfectly comfortable in my slippers and robe, i would sit by my table, and conjure my tales, smoking a curl of the delirious frond. a table with pens and brushes of various lengths thicknesses.

and my friends would be around, they would drop by, sit a while, and the conversation would be like a jack in a box or a multi faceted mirror ball, and i find the solidity and sublimity of my words colliding my thoughts with theirs.

i mean it would be great to be in love, wonderful and i hope someday it happens to me. and now i just have to find a way to free myself from this fear and insecurity and this spate of unplanning to get into the seat somewhere. this seat of dreams.

i want to breath the air in a democratic eccentric city with summer, winter, spring and autumn, everything that tells me, time is passing. and i can chase the little dreams that will not be to much to ask for. Like march in some rights of environment, stand up fo rmy point of view, get all passionate and fired up and not just because of something insular, private and hidden.

and there would be cats, nice fat cats who are happy with life.
i mean that is like the hostel, just maybe i get an apartment instead of a room, and there would be lots of books, and i would travel, and cycle and maybe cook something in the night for someone.

have a glass of wine and share the tales i've written and the splashes of paint and just be alive.

and the phone rings, and i pull on the pillows and fall back on the bed and i talk to my Dream.

~

"if a picture paints a thousand words then why can't i paint you,
the words would never show, the you i've come to know

if a man could be two places at one time,
i'd be with you, tomorrow and today,
beside you all the way."

played in the cab on my way back from RELC to Raffles Place. R to R.

a spell of dreamy melancholia, was it the lunch, was it the sun?

needed a fix of something for my soul which colided with the reality that SLT and seeing the M&ESupervisor of SLT Alfred Wong reminded me of. That Death once pinned me down, like a butterfly, and let me go. the lights flashed, and on teh site they say PTSD gives the false sense of impending Death. False sense?

and i am still here?

why?

http://www.generationterrorists.com/cgi-bin/quotes.cgi?start=100§ion=Love+and+Dreams&per_page=50

Love is when two people who care for each other get confused.

Bob Schneider

It is infinitely more exciting to live a life of catastrophic failures than a life of could-haves, should-haves and would-haves.

Moh Hon Meng

You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.

Henry Drummond

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.

David Grayson

You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love? You're just naked. You put yourself in harm's way and you lay down all your defences. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe the other person loves you back and you can trust him not to hurt you.

Mary Doria Russell
The Sparrow

fantasies of the day

1.the legacy left to me by my mother would be returned out of sheer decency (but of course there is no reason to hold my breath what-so-ever, scheming uncles exist for a reason)

2.my lawyer gets my compensation.

3.M.N signs the contract with Citibank.

4. JR from P calls up. We're hiring LXN ( not a shot in a million)

but you see, it is never really about the money, its is just something to get you the time. time whiled away at things that just don't give me meaning anymore. freedom & finances. financial freedom is the freedom of time.

time. that is the real thing. time. how much time do i have left?
the whisper of death is in every pain that i feel
what am i preserving myself for, if i fear risk so much.
that i fear to jump.

this is the metaphorical state that has me bound in all my actions.
in work, i can't leave
in the issues of the heart, my lips are sealed.

when? when? is there ever the perfect moment? can i wait any longer?
i can't. i can't wait any longer. It has to be soon.

counting it up

2005-09-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

the march of the penguins was really sweet and romantic, and i love the little penguin chicks who look like they're wearing grey hooded pullovers, they are so fluffy...tres sweet. (yes, i must practice my limited french, je'mappelle, comment vous vous s'applez...and a string of words i know not how to dismantle and reconstruct into meaningful sentences.)

is there love in this call of the wild?
might as well ask to separate lust from love at first sight, if that phenomenon is possible.

there's the Morgan Freeman version, the Taiwanese version, but it was the orginal we caught last night.

glad it was the french version, so i can tick the box: going towards my budding french. Very comical to see the penguins speak in French! but the penguins pulled it off, since they are so cute.

hadn't met Dm in a long while, and he looked really cute last night. maybe he's in love, with that girl he spoke about before. thing about being in one's twenties is that people tend to move much faster, its like sushi belt of delights. he seemed pretty relaxed, so that was nice. i asked him to bring an umbrella and he brought two, but we went underground instead.

well, i felt sparks, but perhaps it was the penguins that did it for me.

Gary ever incredulous, "how can you find penguins romantic?" as i chatted on the mobile en route home. i mean it wasn'tr like rrawl rrawl sizzling in the pouncing feline way, but the swaying and the sensual entwining of the two dignified birds had a hypnotic eroticism.

is love about familiarity Dn asked me?

perhaps it is about an exciting comfort zone that expands inwards and outwards, a balance to prevent the "black hole" and to glows like a cup over runneth sort of thing.

have to sort out my income tax, apparently i had to file it. another rite of adulthood. have to send out my transcripts. yay! just called the nice income tax lady. she waived my fine for not filing...yippee.

the muscle relaxants have gone some way in reducing my state of anxiety. Now that i am calm, i realise how hi strung i have been. woke early this morn at 630am, and felt pretty alright. that things will work out. that i should be patient and not rush things.

the whole struggle to jump out of SP to writing & painting. while nursing bad joints, legal case against building, trying to sort out writing assignments, go to work and battle the PTSD/depression. perhaps too much to handle? one at a time.

in the end, it doesn't really matter. Happiness does matter. afteral the experience is only really felt by me.
and what is happiness to me?

home cooked salmon fishhead curry, infact anything cooked by my aunt. waking up on a saturday to the smell of cooked food is a divine feeling.
going home to the delirious doggies, and watching the pride on Daddy's face when the banana trees have grown tall and strong.
reading a good book on a rainy day.
watching my two plants flourish
seeing my byline in a magazine
my friends texting me after reading my articles
hanging out with yarles, gary and twisting my tongue learning french with vicks...yea rule 1, plaster the tongue to the base of the mouth to do the Rs.
not being in pain.
watching good films
being able to solve problems, and pay off all bills incurred by staying alive
massage
facial by Candy, she is is simultaneously Mummy-ish whilst young and i like 95.0 fm anyway
getting attention from the boys ( albeit manageable attn, unless dashing man comes to the rescue)

any the way, now i have to go sort out my transcript thingy.

onze douze troix

2005-09-09T00:41:00.000-07:00

loves:

films::swimming::foot massages::all massages::puppies sleeping on my tummy::kittens prancing::painting like there is no tomorrow::hanging out::playing chess::travelling::sunshine::acting::writing::getting published::road trips::hanging out relaxed with siblings::m.scott peck::anne rice::quentin tarantino::wong kar wai::gong li::maggie cheung::cate blanchett::hobbits::elves::dancing::wine::clean bedroom::fresh laundry(not done by me!)::aunt's cooking::bak kut teh::meditating::reiki::going home::love::long wavy hair::pedicured feet::sandy beaches::mountain tops::cool weather::kiss of the rose::moonlight shadows::at the river::motorbike rides::shades::good conversation::bouncing::smiling strangers along the street::watching the sky glow to dawn from behind the temples::feeling loved & loving::feeling safe::waking up to breakfast::a clear horizon::rei::

dislikes:
people who condemn other people::queuing up::paying taxes::paying phone bills::doing laundry::getting upset::snooty people::cruel people::innards::chu chang fen::meaningless fruitless work::painful shoes::any sort of pain::insects::no responses to job applications::snooty interviewers::guys with double standardsabout women::non stop complaining::tv serials which only show people shouting::chemistry-less conversation::an adamantly unreal optimism::an adamantly bleak pessimism::

2005-09-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

just did a bout of tai-qi ing.
arranging for interviews and stuff and confirming articles, picking things up, hanging out to understand the people i write about:: is a full time job in itself.

rapid response required.

that's why i need to sleep.
yeah. after sleeping enough, i have the "spring back" factor.

tomorrow, to formwerkz i go, to chcek out villa bali.
absolutely perfect honeymoon spot. amidst the rice fields. horizontal louvres echoing the terrace lines.

french classes after with Vicks and Giva. Then to the feminist exhibition? Tres Interesting, and i have forgotten how to ask for one's number in french. hahhahaah.

french is a very feminine language, completely fun to learn something new.
amused dad and mummy with my tricklings of bastardised french. if i hang out with D or Yvonne the next time, i can practise... the french teacher, ever the flirt "you are a fertile land, my dear" all of a sudden i felt like a Gong Li-esque earth mother. Have i gained weight? Even the Father in the church said "you look more Oomph!" infront of my step mother!

yes in contrast to my bout of feeling completely unattractive and in pain, i shall seek to remember compliments, romantic moments, sweet gestures and all the delicious delights of this world.

tonight, i have to pick up the photos and then maybe find some uproarously funny thing to watch with garee. in serious need of perk-me-uping, even the Doc says that.
yes Doc...

maybe i should just go with the flow first? if god has not given me a full time writing job, maybe there is just something better out there...no?

i wonder if Doug is alright, the guy from Florida who rescued me from the over-ardent Ubud pursuers, i think that night really broke the record, two crazy dudes and then some more...two more rougher guys on the dance floor, and two more when Douglas went to the loo. I love attention of course, but when they followed me around and eventually pushed right up next to me, after i escaped from the dance floor nearly falling over to evade them, they landed one on each side....

then he appeared, just when i thought it was time to do some serious i -don't-know-what-shooing them away in a mean manner. the circumstances. well, he was my bodyguard and companion. like a nice little huskie. Oh Bali! Well, all romantic evokings, but since i have morphed into a sensible Dorothy White, i knew better than to play with fire, after all the guy's got a girlfriend. If not, i might have done something, but being mindblowingly sensible, i actually kept my head on my shoulders and resisted.

sigh...then again....

2005-09-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

nothing like a trip in the sun, a lunch and a delicious ice cream to perk me up!

walked to the MAS building. twas a hungry girl...and stopped at international plaza and found Mirana!!!! my fav peranakan foodie stall.

my beef rendang was a little dry, but after that hearty meal, i set off in search of the erstwhile unknown to me MAS building.

so i fell in with a bunch of laughing men and women in office attire.
"excuse me, excuse me, could you tell me where is the MAS building?"

"oh..." they exchange looks and start laughing

"you can walk with us, we're just headed there"

"are you going for an interview at the MAS?"
a friendly girl with a pleasant demeanor and cool green glasses asked me.

"oh no, i'm just headed there to settle an errand."

twitters of laughter and i hear a few of the girls chatter on about the MAS chief.
"who's the daughter of the MAS chief"

we cross the busstop outside international plaza
" is he even married?"

"well you have to be married to rise up the ranks in the civil service you know. marriage indicates some form of stability in mind and social support you know. if you're married it shows something, in teh civil service its just that way...so, you know what to do lah"

" really, i 've always been one for a challenge"

"not in the civil service, in orivate practice, you can do whatever you want!"

bemused, i listen in to their lunchtime chat. obviously bright.

" have you been at MAS long, is it a nice place to work?"

" oh so, you are contemplating joining us then?"

"no, no, i'm a head hunter and i know MAS is out of bounds, just curious"

one of the girls walking ahead interjects

and the lady i have speaking to says
"we have to ask, are you the boss's daughter?"

"no, i'm just here to run an errand"

"hahahahahaha, you should be flattered"

and we part at the info desk, as i ring for Belle Wong, to settle my NUS computer loan.

one thing struck off the to-do list.

returned to raffles place, and went to visit my fav icecream stall uncle, who always gives me extra ice cream...i am fairly beaming now! whee!

i'll stand by you

2005-09-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
’cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

2005-09-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

count my blessings.

i have a job.
i have writing assignments
i have good friends, garee yarles vicks
i have an alright family, everyone is healthy
i have a supportive aunt
i have my fair share of masculine attention (to paraphrase a friend's comment)
i have had adventures and romantic overtures
i can afford my massages, facials and language lessons
i have a nice room in a nice place with a sweet balcony
i have sweet parents, and sweet little dogs at home
i have a good therapist
i have a good doctor
i have nice colleagues, tho i am sacred of isa now. she is imprinted in my mind as a shrieking shew.
i have all my limbs
i am alive

'i am short but i m pretty
i am poor but i m kind'

yeah. gotta fight to be happy.

2005-09-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

moonlight shadows playing on the deck of boat, the night sky quiet mysterious and comforting, the hand of someone who understands.

so sans yacht, sans lover i had my own cathartic wailing down the side of bukit timah highway.

my mood swings seems like they are returning. i feel unhappy, stressed and unattractive because i feel so unfit. Pain makes me feel extremely unattractive.

out cheong, nam sang and tang.
tang is an easy doc. quick in and quick out.
cheong is intense.

i need referrals, feel blah and really urgh, indecisive and stuck.
decided to go to the more relaible one.

a chirpy dr ng greeted me, and off i rattled.
he gave me a massage! hmmm. he thinks i am stressed.
he thinks i have too high expectations of myself, and that i should take it easy.
an he said " it may take a few years, i mean of course you have PTSD, you don't have to go to neurosurgeon to know that."

wtf?

" go for a massage"

"how do you feel on the ssri?

"chilled out, calm"

"its the happy pill you know"

"really" and i thought i must have been so unhappy that all it did was raise me to zero.

'well i don't want to get addicted on anything"

he smiled

'yeah, go for a massage"

"i have actually"

"so, i need a medical check up for my insurance company and lawyer, and for myself to, you know to know."

and so forth.

"a few years for my soft tissue to completely heal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

i said it softly, but repeated it.

so I belted out "moonlight shadows" by belinda carlyse under the bktimah high way,
en route to the bus stop. oh. irony. oh despair, i see you again, and i refuse to despair. i will sing! i love this new phone-radio-camera thingy i have, listening to tunes and walking, makes me feel like i sing really well.

what a joke. what a fricking arrgh. well its not i can do anything about it.

so i did the next best thing. i went for a foot massage. yay!
footie footie...maybe i should just do yoga. or pilates.

sigh. and work?

suddenly i feel like getting the pretenders cd and sing my lungs out.

2005-09-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

intense strumming,
my feet on the streets,
unnames,
traced with the wandering steps,
i chase,
i chase the dream,
the whisper of the perfume
the maddening smell of passion,

i have no form
save that you make me one,
i have no allure,
save that you be drawn,
i have no will,
save you give me power,
i am not yet,
save you make me become.

the lights flicker,
and in slow burning shutters,
the flames burn their mark in the
night sky,
come to me,
come to this vastness,
you know you really want to

all the resistance is a vapour
waiting for the breathe of passion
and vigour, the spell bound energy
needs only the last flicker and a spark
and lightness and wind will
sway neath the wings that you have always coiled

be a star. take to the skies.

2005-09-07T04:12:00.000-07:00

garee called, and burst my pus of self generated cyclical woes.

same issue: should i stay or should i go?

i need to arrive at a decision. to stay or not to stay at sp?
i love them, and i need to pay my bills.

but i am so tired, i feel like i'm constantly changing, like superman in the telephone booth: suited up and cool and professional in murderous heels, and then bohemia intellectual with the soul of a gypsy. somewhere in the telephone booth, i have gotten my cape caught in my heels and tripped over.

the switcheroo was tenously cool, until The Fall.
and my weaknesses have been plundered and torn.
This cannot go on.

Its like being in love with two men at a time. Not just in love, its lie trying to have two committed relationships with two lovers who fly off the spectrum, each plotting a polarity. I don't think i have anymore energy for any guy.

This dilemma has consumed me.
So being knight and princess all at once, having eschewed traditional roles, the Melin blade falls to me. How shall i clear a path out of this mess?

I feel once again like the cat clawing against the side of the mountain.
play it like gentleman. I shall just have to accept that my lifestyle will be extremely frugal for one-two months.

that is 60 days sans alcohol, sans eating out unless necessary, sans taxi, sans making any phone calls out unless completely necessary, sans calling overseas, sans shopping for new clothes or shoes, sans travel.

and then i will have to charge forth, no looking back, no whining.
I will have to make it work. I believe i can, with enough sleep and exercise and a healthy diet, and enough positivity and prayer.

and i am so tired. I just to rest, and feel like i have enough time. Enough time to be human. Enough time to be good to me, and my physical self is crying out. Exercise, rehabilitation of the muscles nerves and all, relaxed, good sleep. Driving myself like this has only brought about pain.

of course in the short term it makes sense to stay, because i have no way to pay my bills if i don't an writing cheques are notoriously erratic in their frequency.

in the middle term, things will iron out.

in the long term, i will damage my health and will have no time to improve my writing if i try to do my tight rope tension walking on a bad back.

Superman Lyrics

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

Of romance and work:
as garee puts it, stop your flirting! if i run out of time to flirt, life must be one big mess right? Flirting is like testing the waters, one cannot drink from every spring!

the problem( if at all a problem?) with me, is i don't fall in love at first sight, which would effectively eliminate all the need for dating and suspense. I really don't. I skirt the pool, stick my toes in...before i jump...and i still haven't jumped in any hot spring, pool, waterfall or waterbody.

why?

the easiest answer is that i am not ready. I don't really want to be tied down to singapore. i have no energy to be relaxed enough to fall in love. singapore; non wstop work, expectations and worries.

i need my zen.

H is obviously a big flirt, what really got me was when his aunt invited me to their house! right. maybe its a cultural thing. diffrence, not everyone has an alienated cold satelite family like me. Kinda envy his whole rowdy family thing.

the guy wastes no time. cut to the chase kind of questioning. it was like being interrogated. maybe he was trying to irritate me."can you cook?"
"will you cook for your husband and kids" what is this?! I am not Martha Stewart.

"its very uncool to admit to domestic leanings, however i view it as a survival skill, a skill much like swimming."

and more questions on what my demands of a bf are!? frequency of phone calls and such.

hmmm. interesting.

I thought that was funny. Like drawing up a contract. I have not yet decided anything...if i like him if anything at all. I think being comfortable with each other is step one. Am i a dinosaur or too way out in my new, lets be friends first theorem?

and he has repeated constantly that he is NOT a romantic but capable of surprises.
my job? the case, so on and so forth practical stuff.

there is no clear answer.
stay calm. rest enough.

keep my eye on the ball.
what ball?

no distractions. maybe i am just lonely. maybe i need some help.
maybe i need to get some stability.

Well, that is interesting, but all words and no action=no action.
yes, but apparently my love life is like a sitcom with cameo appearances, and no main character has yet emerged constant and discernable.

RESOLUTIONS:

Physical
1) No more beer ever. Only wine

2) Phone calls to end by 11.30

3) Exercise

4) Go vegetarian for a week to detox

5) no more high heels...sigh.

Intellectual

1) Watch new things

2) Finish what you start

3) submit final transcript to U.Syd

Emotional

1) Finish the last session with Goretti

2) go to church

Financial

1) push through the dhillon thing

2) write with all the joy of endless love for the universe.

i would never have thought it possible that i would make this decision all by my self. then again, i never thought i could do Bali by myself. and there were good people who saved me, pointed me in te right directions, and showed me spectacular things.

now? when? now?

tomorrow my faith hinges on a certain turbaned man as he places his pen to paper.

2005-09-07T02:18:00.000-07:00

incandescent butterfly in the sky,
a flaming phoenix drunken on the night,

the back traces a line of pain,
once more i flirt on the edge,
unable to jump,
i find myself floating up,
despite telling myself to stay on the ground,
self denial is a powerful tool

romancing the unromantic
leaving things as they be
and c'est la vie.
french lessons at the alliance francaise

energy, focus and discipline.
simply, i need to exercise,
i need some financial security
to allow me to leap off this nine to six thirty existence.

existential angst.

staying focused.
what works is to remain positive. Do my work.
type it out word by word.
get creative.
get the facts in b/w
don't play with fire
work with what i have.
don't be impulsive.
be disciplined.
just do it.

i am pep talking myself.

TAURUS HOROSCOPE by free will astrology
From the window of my office I look down on a blackberry bush whose berries are now ripening. In the last 20 minutes, I've watched a sparrow figure out the best way to feast. At first the bird tried to land on the flimsy branches of the bush, but after a few tries it realized they couldn't hold its weight. Its revised strategy was to grab a single berry in mid-swoop and alight on the branch of a nearby apple tree so it could relax with its meal. It did this ten times. I recommend a similar approach to you, Taurus. According to my astrological analysis, you won't be able to enjoy your treats in the place where you find them. You'll have to pluck them, fly away, and savor them at a distance. Like the sparrow, you should keep returning for refills.

boy oh boy.
so if my berries are the creative bubbling juices of madcap projects and directed delirium, my bills have to be paid via slt?

low biorhythms.

WHY THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

there are so many projects coming in that i cannot balance it with my daily job anymore.

I want to write well.

i want to charge ahead.

my reservations are monetary.

i have thought long and hard about it.

because i want to

because i might be much happier!

ahh....going to swim

2005-09-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

i sit here feeling not so hot.
last night. strange. i guess.
the whole rugger thing.
i felt so old and so young again.
the link to jc.
and of course, there is no way to avoid talking about john,
if we talk about rugby.

perhaps i shouldn't have asked about rugby, but that is a passion in his life and there is no way to know someone without understanding their passions.

and his ex girlfriend was a prevalent topic, along with questions of beliefs in love and the idea of the soulmate.

drinks at harry's. he looked a bit pained after he stepped in from meeting his friend. apparently his friend thought we were a couple. hmm. well, i said " well when people see a guy and a girl together, they usually assume that they are a couple."

i didn't know whether to feel unhappy or to think that perhaps, he was thinking of that previous girl.
Perhaps the memory was too much, and she's in an architecture related field.
hmm.

the similarities are astounding.
and his injuries, which of course kinda made me feel concerned, and that reminds of john as well.

perhaps my temperament completely evokes memories of the other girl.
i couldn't get closer. perhaps its me, perhaps i am old.

i don't know.
today i feel more lonely than ever, and worst still i am feeling fat. saw my photos from bintan, and i look hideous.

'hideously practical' so said garee about the dual scorpio couple.

will i ever be able to fall in love again? maybe not.
dougie in bali was possibly the most unexpected romantic thing possible, and i didn't fall in love either.

i don't feel like going home, i just feel rotten all over again.
was it the alcohol?

the religion, the minefields we had to avoid.

its raining, i feel like going running in the rain.
i feel like bursting out of my cocoon, i feel like smashing some barriers.
i feel like tearing these walls that hold me inside.
i remember too much,
it feels sad,
i miss and not enough.
i cannot,
i don't know how,
i cannot be more than a fleeting worry.

dismantling false ceilings.
crossing false boundaries,
staying in the game,
dating hurts even more than
not trying.

i am so out of love.
how did this happen?

have i become cynical?
really. perhaps i have become scared of men.
perhaps its just too difficult to take any steps further.

yarles in all optimism said, " stop thinking about it, just let it happen, you don't have to try"

are those famous last words?

i just want to fall in love, and feel complete and absolutely happy again.

what if this is the status quo from now on?
tis state of not really being in love.
this state of lukewarmth.
i must do things that excite me, that break open my own ceilings and feel the new exuberance.

"all my life, i worshipped her, her golden voice, her beauty speaks, how she made me feel," ground beneath her feet, U2

omg, neurosed the whole day about all the taboo-ness.
ok, its just too much.

i want to go home and find my daddy!

2005-08-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

i can't sleep. i can't really breathe. i am agitated.
i miss her. i feel sad. i feel pain.
my body feels pain. my back hurts. my feet hurts.
i feel alone. so alone.

without doubt, to carry out this duty is due.
my lesson is not the same as viv's
she should be alone iwth dad and mummy.
perhaps the abyss will close.

my issues of independence,
of being able to support myself,
and pursue what i need with courage.
now is not the time to be weak.
i have to be strong.

i feel this sadness at the bottom of my tummy.
i miss mama.

spring clean, emotional purge.
i cannot sleep. drank a litre of water'
i need a new mouse and keyboard.
this one is one and grimy.

feel so alone.

2005-08-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

The Last Goodbye.

i am going.
i missed Mama when she left, and this time i cannot miss her.
years to come, now its been 16 years, i have been bleaked haunted by this fragment of time denied me.

i don't want to walk in and see a roomful of empty faces heavy with the years ahead, pregant with regret.

my eloquence has left me, i just want to see here, and be in her presence, and let her feel that i am there.

there is a point. should i leave there after Bali? but what if i miss her. God.
the unnegiotiable taker, the pall of death. i can see viv, and all my aunts and spend time to be with Dad.

dad must be so hurt. another death. dad needs me. maybe

i am going.
Bali, hopefully i can reschedule the trip for the writer's fest.
or give it away. interview with mende- email or phone. i'll write the article from imagination.

I miss granddad this year, and now Aunt Ivy. when will i learn. when will i see. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.

i need to shower. wept the whole of last night. i have to go.
i just have to see her. and christopher. jennifer. jacqueline.

2005-08-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

CS Lewis, I want to read the screwtape letters.

this world is still beautiful, and maybe I am more loved than i had previously imagined. in a different way, before it just had to be the one and only. and now as i learn slowly how to love myself, i realise that it means many things, learning to protect myself, learning to be assertive, not to be a silent doormat. It means to learn to learn, by listening, by being willing to let people in, which is hard. Emotions have to be embraced and released which is just that, i used to read those words and think sounded so easy.

Forgiveness is really hard. Cheap forgiveness is like a painkiller, removes the symptoms for a bit, and then the horrible anger i've suppressed, comes climbing out like an irresistible swollen leech, full of neurotic blood guzzling hairy thoughts, and it explodes with malice and contempt across my face and the universe.

yeah, the session on saturday left me mildly crazy for a while, i can't even say i was angry, i couldn't even acknowledge it. and then it dawned on me, some part of it is true, like it or not. Mt self esteem is affected by the comments and criticism i had accepted whilst young, my willingness to just take it, tt was not good for me.

my rebellion has always been passive aggressive. the self starvation, the refusal to. the moment it all snapped, was by the metal gate. another 4 hrs of maths tuition, which was good for me. I could never explain it. during tuition, i would solve everything really fast and Mr Ooi would think i was a really great student, when in school i would just get a B instead of the A1. I just opened my mouth and screamed, in that moment, i must have created a vortex, i couldn't explain it anymore, i hated mathes with so much passion, it was utterly meaningless, i didn't see the point. No one showed me its beauty, all i saw was the benchmark, and the harsh directive: GET THERE, OR ELSE...you are stupid, worthless not good.

but of course, there was the whisper from the Hurricane J, and his beautiful diagrams on the mechanics of celestial bodies (planets) affecting each other. That was so poetic, i nearly fell off a cliff. the math of a hurricane. even i could thrill to that.

Well, and he could write the most brillant prose about the rain drops, brownian motion and his feelings for me. Not like i understood all of it. The only guy i had ever kinda fallen in love at first sight, maybe the most fantastic thing was that he didn't even think of himself as cute, or maybe i was blinded, and my eyes opened to the invisible. Mathes is the study of the invisible, as love is, sometimes. That didn't work out, and the missing was dreadful and the inevitable explosion even worst. but that had a meaning.
all these years and what have i done with them?

something about me eats me up. and i am fighting. why? because i believe, and because they are people who really love me, in a faithful way, or maybe it is more accurate that some have the capacity to put up with my shit and still manage to see the glints of yet unmined gold inside this pile of rubble yet. i am so humbled. there are people who have such big hearts, that i know for a fact, my heart has a lot more growing to go.

and they are the folks from my workplace. it is really like a family there. how did someone as porous as myself survive in raffles place, i feel like a house with alot of holes, and its getting patched up. barry, isa, jo, daisy, anne, lena, yc and there is so much to learn from people and experience that ...

maybe the unreal hippie who thought it would take a little skip and hop through the world of banking and finance to make alot of money and bum in her bali villa, has finally learnt something. that it isn't that easy. seeing the money doesn't make the success happen. its seeing the people, the meaning of it, the meaning anything that you are doing. point 1.1 to point 1.25...slow and steady, the coconuts of life's hard facts knock on my head.

of course there is alot more, because i am obviously not materially successful. Nor especially cool. Jackie looked so cool with her ash brown hair that i would have given anything to have that sort of image confidence to go all red. I know its less cool and funky to dress the way i do now, and i wonder have i lost anything?

but i have yet to finish the course, and my path is different.

"she was born in september, 1963, the day when aldous huxley died. they failed and taught her young the only thing she need to know, they taught to run, baby run baby run baby run, to the arms that look unfamiliar, till they say so long..."

what a f-cking sad song. this hypnotherapy is so hard that the next two sessions are almost scary, because it is hard to see the concealed traps within me that i have glorified, come to think of as good, which are just familars. Familar ways, familiar walls. But, since they hurt it is better to take them out all at one go, so that i can feel better and be a more whole being.

like what did i expect? that it the price was just the 150 i pay per session. obviously not.

just sidestepped one of those bad boys that i have come to realise i have had an inclination for. the whole pushing the limits and the danger of that. and haven't i already loved one of the baddest boys, maybe because deep inside is always this really nice guy, and there is always this sense of charm, and discovery and this sense of being intense.

chris taught me how to be myself with older folks, that all i needed to do was to be there and just ask and listen, i didn't need to prove anything. i really miss my aunt when she is away, so glad she is back tonight!

listening to music tonight, walking on a rain gleaming asphalt streaked with the lumiance of street bulbs, as the leaves glossy and holding the pearls that with my heart's pleasure fills. And i see that i am the oyster and the world can be my pearl.

maybe i have just grown old. last year i felt really old. i could imagine my face growing old from the wear and tear of the entire experience which is finally beginning to feel a while a way.

And this year, this year we shall have a good and proper Christmas. I will organise it and we shall be happy, because life is too short to hold on to the pain. can't we just forgive and for one night just see the best in each other and know that it is alright to be loved too, and that we are all enough for each other?

i can't bear it, this distance, this pain of pretending anymore.
not like i have the solution, but standing there and seeing his name carved in travertine in the underground columbarium, and realising i had never known this man, who was my step grandad. Each dinner was to be gotten by, to survive through. Closed up, just a doll, sitting there. Aware of the role play, the space i filled and little more. i didn't even know he was called Joseph Howe Kwai Meng.

Aunt Ivy has a time placed next to her life, as we all do really, but it seems to be drawing near, and i am paralysed. And i know a good goodbye is important, but now i just cannot bear to say anything or to do anything.

I think as i cannot help but, of Mama. The pale waxy paper skin, the thin arms from characterless sterile formless gowns. the eyes numb and full of what i could not fathomed, and i had fear. the uncloaked vulnerable skull, with the strands of surviving feathers, the utter stripping down of that is superficial liveliness.
Am i lucky or cursed not to have seen her more, to have held her more.

it hurts, but this time i have to take it all the way.
and see it through. to say goodbye. to be there. because there is legitimate pain which is higher than denial. am i strong enough?

"In Need"

Every night I dream you're next to me
Tenderly
You say my name
You stay close enough to keep me here
Then disappear
When we're face to face

And if you carry me tonight
I would be strong enough to fight
And when you're weak and can't go on
I'd be the bed you lay upon
And blue is blue
And so am I
Cause I want to be with you tonight
You're not the only one in need

You know everybody's watching me
And what they see
Is me watching you
In the middle, time is creeping by
And I wonder why
You're so removed

And if you carry me tonight
I would be strong enough to fight
And when you're weak and can't go on
I'd be the bed you lay upon
And blue is blue
And so am I
Cause I want to be with you tonight
You're not the only one in need

Come on baby
Life is just a net into which you dive
And I'm getting
Closer to you now

If I love you
Will you run away
And if I stay
Will I disappear

And if you carry me tonight
I would be strong enough to fight
And when you're weak and can't go on
I'd be the bed you lay upon
And blue is blue
And so am I
Cause I want to be with you tonight

And blue is blue
And so are we
And you're not the only one in need

2005-08-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

i need a business plan.

fundamentally, the only flaw in my whole, omigod i may fall on my face argument is this: the last time i jumped, i didn't actually know what i was doing. i wrote a bit. painted a bit, and completed nothing. spent most of my time floating across the universe, in hippie bohemie til Isabella walked in and told me, you are in the wrong era.

right.

i remember Barry kindly trying to get me to decipher an ambition. I must be the least ambitious person he came across.

i said i wanted to write and paint and live on island with internet connection to send out my work, and have many little cats and dogs.

that is a dream but maybe not an ambition. what is an ambition?

I remember Paul trying to get me to say something out.

and i said :" I just want to be happy "
that is just a too-vague answer, but in the right direction i think.

writing and painting, designing , making is a job, if i can be disciplined to deliver.

DELIVER. YEA.

draw up schedules, set my own deadlines, swim and stay focus. be humble, be socially disciplined, attend parties instead of being a little slug, makes me happier person anyway.

can you do that?
If you can do that, you will succeed. Self-discipline! Punctuality! Delivering!
Russell was a very effective alarm clock, he ate my hair.

give me a sign

2005-08-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

my head is a pulsating mess, i feel like i am a parachute and helium filled.
miss russell. sugar mao.

met my ol art teacher under my block, whist i was waiting for my fried rice. my back is killing me.

his words are sticking to me, just a thorn in my heel.

DL: "i always thought you'll be the one"

JC: "the one, what the one?"

DL: "the one who would eke out an existence on the edge, making art, you know, on the edge."

i've already tried, and landed on my face. I remember the days when instant noodles had to be self-rationed, days when i was broke, numbed to the heavens, and i really don't find poverty attractive at all. Its not like i have given up. i 've just found a different way, its called pay the bills first. its based on Maaslow's triangle of needs. i can't paint if i can't afford canvas. canvas is more expensive than food.

Staying alive is fundamentally important to succeeding isn't it? Self respect is fundamental to self love is to the conviction to paint? nah. not really. desperation, passion and all the extremities. i can't fly off the handle just as i wish. i don't want to jump or jumping's sake, i want to jump and reach somewhere.

I'm not giving up. not at all. i am just taking the middle path. i have issues to sort out. therapy costs a bomb. i refuse to die high and dry and depressed. REFUSE TO. refuse to stay stuck to the same old issues. i believe there is a higher path.

why must art come with poverty. some great artists are poor, but not all poor artists are great. its a false idea. really.

poverty does not equate to great art. i refuse to romanticise poverty.
great passion and direction equates to great art. i need more direction, now, i have gained some traction, but i am so freaking insecure.

and then Felix says : "do you have a mortgage and kids?"
taking the piss.

my freaking lame answer "i have phone bills and rent to pay"

tried to explain to David.

JC: "i've jumped before, hit the ground, instead of hitting the ground running"

DL: "well so it won't be that bad this time, you'll know what to do.
come on jules, i never expected you to turn into this corporate creature."

that's what teachers do.

guess i deserve it. i guess i won't die if i have to do the whole instant noodles and water thing. but i won't. i can freelance write. i can take buses and mrt. i won't have to buy corporate wear. i won't have to wear painful albeit gorgeous goddess heels.can't any way. if i can write for a women's mag, maybe my massages can be sponsored~ massages are non-negiotiable part of my life. i can swim at SMU for exercise.

i can sell tshirts. or jewellery ( apparently i made alot of jewellery before, DL insisted, i cannot remember )

omigod, i will become a boho gypsy, but a happy, healthy, and financially sound one. I will make that patha success if i take it. i will sell, and i will do that with good designs.

thinking of my own t-shirt line for a while. want to write more. i know i can sell my art. i need a studio. really need a place to work. i need a grant. i need to have my head screwed on, and my heart alive.

i reckon by the end of the year, my heart should be settled. maybe just two more visits to goretti and a solitary retreat in a different land which will be a challenge! by december, i should be able to publish my first tale. maybe i will have my own brand of bedsheets, and t-shirts and pajamas. since i like to sleep so much. but noone in sg wears pjs.is the whole fashion thing a distraction?

stick to the core skills... just do the t-shirt. jewellery? hmmm. i guess maybe. hmmm...must win an art competition to be famous. need time to paint.

sigh. when? now?

well, for entertainment i have my SFS card.
and there is the issue of time. i could die anytime. the lift thing prettymuch confirmed it. death was just teasing me that day.

"In his time, he makes all things beautiful"
when god? when is it safe to jump?
is the moment staring me in my face?

I've turned from devil-may-care into dorothy white.

so i write. one day, when my wings are strong enough i will fly. right now, its sheer hubris, almost Icarus like folly to fly too near the sun.

Jump, and someone will catch. yea i know my dad will. but he s an old man, and i'll spare him the heartbreak.

doesn't success come with strength? doesn't strength come with independence?
even canvas and oil paints cost money. now i can afford it.

i will do it, and i will become a full time artist and writer. when?

i have to sort out the SLT, i have to sort out studies. do i really want to study? yea. if i study, i won't have to work! whee, then i can paint! and write! and read!
but i must must must get excellent grades if i go bac to school, i can't be a little maomao off her head any longer.

lizzie told me: "you will be able to do it, you are much stronger than you think you are."

the cards read that out.

when? now? by december i will.
One year since the publishing of my first article. I will have to get a pipeline in the works. be focussed. can i do it now? NOW? as in right here, right now?

NUS computer loan ( which Viv should pay, since she took my laptop!). phone bills. rent. food. transport. internet bills. what else...what other excuses have you got?

give me a sign, dear god, give me a sign, and give me the courage of a warrior, the wisdom of a sage, the passion of a lover, the patience of a saint, the sensitivitiy to listen to you.

gotta work tomorrow. oh no. yucks.

"oh night, divine. oh night, divine"

give me a sign.

2005-08-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

"i'm not a fucking dragqueen, i'm in another bracket...
i don't wear foot long lashes, or seventeen tiaras...i'm not a fucking drag queen, i won't let you forget it...don't stab me right through my tender transgendered heart" ~ peter outerbridge

my head is freaking light. my nose is a sniffling tap.
the national day was fabulous.
woke to a dizzy morning, i smelt something in the kitchen, how delightfully pleasant! I miss my aunt's cooking.

it was no longer morning but 12.42. my consciousness slithered back into my being like a sprawled octopus regaining its balance. I had managed to kick everything off the bed.

not feeling so hot. closed my eyes, and my head was pulsating.
the phone rang. Gary. Swinging by to pick me up for the Swissotel NDP class gathering. Not a chance in a million that i could get ready in time. Decided to take my own sweet time and make my way down. finally woke up though.

didn't think i could drink tonight.

Stumbled out in my purple dress. Aunt had done my laundry! OMG! Wheeee!* (secretly)
heeeheeeheee. i detest laundry. everything about it. for a period of time i tried meditating whilst doing laundry. tried to see it as metaphorical sorting out of one self. Such self deception wore out.

yay! there was red bean and barley drink! wheeeee! and vermicelli being prepared for lunch! double wheeeee!

showed her my ish cover article. she's my marmy!
yippeee.

sniffled sniffled sniffled. she was surprised i cooked up the vermicelli and canned food. She might have puked if she saw my cooking...whenever i see her cook, everytyhing is well thought out, with flair and finesse what a pity and irony that she has such a sensitive stomach.

Her durian cake is wonderful. absolutely lovely.

altogether lovely start.
i make a half hearted vow to tidy my room which looks like a force of nature has swum through it.

i can't do it. all that eating's left me sleepy. i take a nice shower and feel like a happy waterfall, albeit sniffly. noone calls me. i pull on my taipei five bucks frothy top...i look freaking pregnant, and my boobs like they might drop out. I think i may never wear this top ever!

head back to trusty gothic top. and pull on my orange filtered sunglasses which casts a lovely Stevie Wonder sound track to my mind.

I try to be determined. To finish the last of the three articles. last night i ended up writing abouta piece o cheese and yolk and the 3 sets of relationships between object and field. I feel positively zonkered and not too clever.

ended up writing a strange poem which triggered a foreword that became a story. dripping my Stevie Wonder infused head over my bed, staring out at my bamboo plant as my pink DIY curtains fluttered...i wondered how i was gonna wrap the story up. My head was frothy and bubbly....

i wanted nothing more than a tender foot massage and to collect my tailoring.
but...maybe the cold did me good, i was too lazy to waft out of the room.

so i sat, and types, and bit by bit things fell into place. by then it was too late to contemplate going early to swim at swissotel.

v.pleased. quite happy. maybe this one will be good enough to send to hsien min.
maybe, perhaps. who knows?

gary rings. kevin is there. i get off my inertia and roll out to the back, splash some water and get on the road.

all together spectacular, i love planes and the traces they leave in the air. felt very privileged, the view was perfect. fluttering flags. fireworks. drizzling the air with a gentle glow and then exploding, i love fireworks!

wine food and excellent companions.
Ang was sad, but didn't show it, she's ultra stoic. Sas had ultra risque sex tales to tell, she's a walking Sex in the City narrator. She's the "De-virginiser". Where does she find all these nubile virgins?! hahahaahah I laughed so much i was rolling on the bed and nearly fell off. We took pictures in the baby cot, until Sass made a scary joke about hearing babies cry in the night! yipes!

kev's got a job in Ministry of Home Affairs. forgot to talk to FS's hubby about the M& A job, but i cldn't be bothered to talk shop. Ate plenty. Shag's going to SF! Gary to BKK & Shenzhen, Sass to Las Vegas...jet setters aplenty.

bali. maybe i'll find some good friends. will be spending the last day alone. yea. hmm. well, i suppose i'll make some friends there. I'm 25. yes must be independent.

Dad is so funny, giving me love advice. hahahahaha he is hilarious. Miss him really.

will i do my work, crank out words and meaning. Will i, can i? Or will i succumb to the soft bed, and become a little ball of dissolving fireflies. i am so wasted. sniffle sniffle sniffle.

2005-08-08T03:40:00.000-07:00

Stayed home. Reikied myself. Slept and slept somemore.
Will not talk about the same topic of neurosion again.
I think so much and do so little.

On a good note, let me count the ways i have been good.

Read "Freakonomics" which was fun, Levitt Harvard "rogue economist"
cool bk. lots of curious links. Liked it plenty. Read it so fast, perhaps i shouldn't have bought it. But perhaps i can re read it and loan it out.
First economics related material i've read since the wall street journal and the financial times, toilet reading at lynwood grove. tried to forec myself to read the economist, but that was dry aplenty.

Women's Magazines. Cosmo & Female. I even bought Elle Decor but that qualifies as work-related research and benchmarking.

Hmmm. Is there much to learn there, from le women maggies? Same ol'stories. Tales of love and glory.

Love thyself. Be uninhibited. Eat well, exercise. Trends and fashions. but i am pro classic. Like the cosmo ads. Every second page is an ad. And i want a pair of silver thong slippers, uber dainty and cool.

No shoes fit my achy feet. To borrow a phrase, i am "Landsick". Maybe i belong to the water now. Swum twice in a row, thinking of going swimming today too. Really don't like the old man crowd. And i want to get myself the black bikini i saw.
Want, want, want, but do i need it? No.

At first sight, and trial i thought i found the one for me. At last. A song exploded in my trillon pink cells, when i saw those shoes, it was as if i had dreamt them into life...and i wasn't even looking...they looked like they would love my feet, be kind to those achy, tortured feet, and my feet were eager to try them on.

Bought that pair of soft boots with gentle sloping heel but no freaking avail, cos after walking about orchard with Ink, even with him toting my bag, my hip and lower back began to shoot out warning signs...

Am not pleased. Not pleased at all.
life with out high heels.

Sigh.

Ink was really nice. He and Eef have a three year plan headed towards marriage. Whoa, my bro is growing up! he loves horror, but i hate it, abhor it, the images stick in my head.

In the end we compromised on "Mysterious Skin".

Freaking intense, and Neil the main character described by his eyelined, metal goth clown crushee as "the planet around which we the moons orbit". Cruel & beautiful. So cruel.

The bathroom scene was so painful, watching Neil being clobbered by a bottle of Johnson's Baby Shampoo by that militant "suck it, you Whore!" gi joe.

Ink thought it was a UFO show initially.
Kinda. Well, i walked out disturbed and affected.
Felt terribly sad for the poor boy with his huge aviator glasses.
Damn good film, extremely good acting.

So human. So tough. So real.

Sunday was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Day! I love the Oompa Loompas!!!!!!! Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka reminded me of Michael Jackson.
yea, this is "deliriously happy"

Spent alot of time lying in bed, looking at my tarot cards for some direction.

Approach: Hermit
The Major Arcana were evoked. The Sun & Justice
outcome looks favorable.

Aunts back. Back to focus. Just one more J. Just one more to go.

2005-08-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

my fingers hold the traces of the soap i used to wash the pot from the morning's breakfast. in an instance, a day 24 hrs has passed. every hour thought about. and most of it noise and illusion, rarely do i stay pitched in reality.

have i lost time before. traces. important traces. and mysterious skin addresses this as a symptom.

i went in soft and unguarded, and i am blown, punched home. it hurts.
the impact i feel, its as if i've been there. we all need someone who will listen to you, even when it hurts them to, becuase they love you so much and you can't help runninginto walls, tearing through thorns, blazing within the flame, seeking the elusive rose.

aren't we all addicted to something? is it possible to go through life, normal, tempered and even? really? doesn't everyone have a story, how can it be possible to be perfect? yet there are the perfect stories.

looking at the cards flung on my table, and the faces shown, its would be facile to say it was bliss, but i had my moments, which stretched to months and even perhaps a year. the only antidote is love isn't it?

life is everything. seductive, poisonous, intoxicating...as people are, as imaginations go.

and what of love? does it alight upon the mortal shoulder, infuse itself into the veins of the possessed and paradoxically liberated? is love random, does love belong to self-will, or divine will?

how much can you take? can you take it all the way.
maybe when you have someone who can bear to be there, to listen you somehow manage to go deeper and mine the myriad jewels of what the self can be. Maybe that is why Love, despite its high price, remains so popular, it is life itself isn't it? Can one abdicate Love? Is it possible? Do i want to? If want exists, then surely that would be impossible.

maybe that is why it is so important to love the self.
because sometimes you just have to be alone, it is the valley and you must walk alone through the flames that is meant to smelt a surer version of the self. Is it so optimistic? Does it always get better? If you want it to, enough.

I want to rise above this pit, and i have made some progression, and i must not look back. Step by step.

The geography of the soul.
Where are you now? In the depth of a blissful ocean, by the caves resting in search of peace, overseeing with the serenity of those arrived, quiet and content and balanced at the peak?

starving. excellent swim today. felt the pain in my atrophied arms, the pain in my lower back, i had almost forgotten this body, relying on the hands of masseurs to bring some life within.

there was a water polo match. i watched a man with breasts scream at three kids. turned off.

i left the pool and had a thosai. dropped in and the tailoress was unprepared, had a fitting and made adjustments they had either not been sensitive to, or were too lazy to suggest. i like things to fit.

starving. self love. what shall i eat? dumplings with Ink, he and Eef have a solid thing going, and he is transforming for the better. good.

all good. good day. god my back hurts. bought a pair of soft boots, guess the gentle slope of the heel throws my faulty load bearing skeletal structure off. time to see Dr Kim.

2005-08-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

'this must be underwater luuuurrrvve, oh this must be underwater love, so deep, beautiful and liquid....after the rain comes sun, after the sun comes rain...

this must be underwater love, the way i feel it slip all over me..."

i have 0.4% before i approach the national average of fats :23% women are supposed to bear in the name of feminine softness. well, but i exceed the ratio of soft vs hard muscle, so overall more soft than muscular...hmmm, can say that sounds too bad, but well, as long as it stays smooth.

my muscles are classified as depleting, no sh*te Sherlocks!

so i am going to the pool. i need some exercise. i need to return into my body, i feel like i am constantly floating somewhere near my body, like an astronaut.

i cannot stay within myself, or at only the level of imagination and emotions, i have to get some real contact with the water if not the wind. i have crossed the marginal utility point of stillness.

its the inevitable awakening. after i died, on more levels than one last year, its really a slow consciousness kin to a post shock realisation that i am real. i guess this physical fall just drove in the point, and paradoxically is tearing something inside me that i have clung on, beyond a function of time-context into a barrier of emotional futility for me. so its good i guess, just painful and scary but i've gotten used to it, alot of monsters are made from fear and guilt.

yesterday's meeting was funny. i was scared. really. it was a punctuality meeting! ahhhhh...why? i can get projects done, create things, but i have an epic disability to meet with arrival and time.

Time is always hiding somewhere, its as if i have a vortex where time gets lost, or time is slowed to an unbelievable tread...maybe everyone feels that way, but they have discovered a way to deal with it. something called an alarm clock?! but i stop time, and its no poetic hyperbole...maybe its not time i stop, buthe kinetics of my being shake the gears out of sync, maybe. Swiss made watches get stopped. hmmm...i screw up watches and computers in strange ways, they should hire me to test machines.

Anyway, i love the Sheen Viv got me last Christmas, its really pretty and keeps time with a Jap precision, perhaps its the weight of it, it must be heavy enough to remind me of the existence of Time, and that i am irrevocably strapped to it, whether i realise it or now.

anyway, i got all swishy when the topic of a company trip came up after the punctuality topic was dealt with! laughter diffuses tension, and i laughed

Thrilled to the idea of the Maldives, Mauritius (eventually vetoed by JH), Lombok and going on the Mekong River!!! ok...but they wanted Bali! i hope Phuket or Perth comes along...have this fascination to go on rivers all of a sudden...Mekong River, Margaret River, Nile...

have i crossed the marginal utility point of waiting? maybe, maybe not. the laws of life dictates tt one must move forward.

one of my stories is the cover for Ish! i went all delirious at Borders! Oh! i want to be better and am driven to write more now.

i miss him, and its strange. have i dissolved into another plane, did the fairy berry do something to me?

al these lather of emotions, its like playing in a bathtub and now the bubbles crowd out the other, and its a slippery game of hide and seek.

its time to get out of my sorcereressy robes and get to the pool and be a waterbaby.
pick up my tailoring, get to town, pick up some nice biscuits and such and get home to Dad and Mum. Call Hl, deliver photos and be a good ear. Play with the sugar dumpling.

Hunt down my own darling...requires strategising...smelly fishies...which will attract the whole neighbourhood of felines...i predict having to do some wall climbing...will he still recognise me? Russell Sugarbunny Mao.

i just want to cuddle him for a bit, and let him know i have not forgotten him.
is it better to let him be, with other cats, but innately i feel its good to be loved, and for him to know that his ex-Mummy still cares. that's a terrible term: ex-Mummy. i have to get my own place and bring him back. but at what cost, will it be beneficial? maybe not. i am hardly home, he probably has more fun with other maos. yea, its not fair to keep a cat, if he's only there for the cuddles, and you don't play with him enough. ah well, i'll just feed the whole neighbourhood of kitties anyway.

talk to Dad about my personal plans? Really? Maybe not. maybe i can sort things out by myself. Maybe i am much stronger than i give myself credit for.

give Dad schedule of Bali trip.

2005-08-03T03:21:00.000-07:00

Taurus Daily Horoscope 03 AUG ©2005
Today you may feel an urge to tell someone about your feelings or fears. If you want to keep growing, you can't keep living in the past. Something you learned early on was wrong, so now you should let it be gone. You might learn that personal growth and freedom involves doing your duty. An art show or movie showing may set the scene for a romantic act. You may be attractive to someone who sees your talent or creativity. Now you could (or should) become less attached to materialism and seek self-fulfillment instead

okiedokely!
trembling in a subway full of potential energy and dancing like a mexican jellybean in my not quite cubicle, in my not quite world.

drew tenuous connections to KL today...great talking to Hui Lee. Gettin' perspective mon. life ain't that bad at all. not super or anything to shout about and to be puffed up about. its cool, just cool.

can't wait to see rei the fabulous lil girl, i have offered to take her out. I assumed kids of her age are toilet trained. Anyway, the sweet kid holds my hand and is a real sugar dumpling. talks a stream of real word in a uber cute way.

Crash at 9.
Reiki practice in the evening, for a healing session with cancer patients.
hmmm. wonder how that will be like. genuine intentions, and it will be intense i guess, but real life does that doesn't it.

take strength to be vulnerable. Yarles Miles thinks i'm full of unwarranted anxiety about my Edward Scissorshands complex. ok.

great wine at the riverwalk last night. stayed up to write and was trashed out of my dreams at 9.52 am! yipes. dreamt of C, and scary parents. and a primary school in jb. incoherent.

woke to feel an utterly emptied out feeling.
emptied out. wasn't bad, wasn't good. just emptied out.
rolled out and made me a stiff cuppa tea & coffee, and saw all the laundry i had yet to collect.

wrote a story after giving a ring. a short story. quite liked it, could see myself illustrating it.

more or less cooled off over threshold issues.

goal in life. short term goals, finish the last article, get two days leave approved.

travel! alone. mark of an independent woman. better be healthy first. historically been stalked, though they say you carry with you the experiences you wish to have. hmmm. maybe first world country then.

bhutan hits a streak of adventure, can't stand to be cold alone, anywhere, bhutan sounds cool, not too warm or cold.

tonight. reiki healing, crash.
should i ask my boss for leave? now? sigh? hmmm?
should i go or should i stay?

2005-07-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

it takes guts to be honest, and to express it.
i'm learning this honesty. with myself. with others.

bought three sandman comic books yesterday. neil gaiman, something compells me to possess all 10 books. terribly beautiful and macabre and full of truth.
finished "the game of you" whilst waiting for Xian to come and pick us up from Takashimaya. Vickie Trix & I went to town to pick up some cosmetics for her and canvases for muah. i woudl have liked to sweep up the gargantuan 40x50, but i thought we were going for a movie.

vicks & i had a great time drinking shiraz at the "Old Brown Shoe". she thinks i have matured and am growing up! well, the therapy is working, and i am determined to try to be a better Jupes. i can see so many flaws, and when they are magnified, i feel the terrible cold sour sweat of despair. And i have had enough of trying by myself. emotional gym. but now i feel a little stronger, a little more centred. it used to be i would take it out on running, but when i no longer run, i must stand still.

she is a darling marm, and she's funny!
Xian & Niki saga cont'd. Being me, i dived right in, after a lil small talk.
perhaps i should have waited for the sashimi to arive, but perhaps they had no conclusions of their own. so it goes.

the food was fabulous. and worth it. so much eating and drinking. maybe i will put on some weight closer to the heart. heeheehee...well, food again at Ravin's b-dae lunch, makansutra was far too ambitious for a sleepy sunday. I woke late, like a little fish wriggling to the sunshine, reaching for a nokia that said 12.02, i would have sprung out of bed if i could.

~
hmmm, i felt a little confused and examined myself.

Did i just suffer from phantom territorial pangs?
Maybe.

Am i just lonely and this sounds good?
Also.

Resolved by more socialising.

Is my own plan working out?
Yes. So keep at it.

What reservations have i?
One too many.

What happens if i lose him?
have to accept it. there is no meaning in possession or manipulation.

Is it healthy to dive into anything for above mentioned reasons?
No.

What is a matured way to handle this?
is to let it be and to communicate.
Finding equilibrium and meaning. Be honest with self.

yep. let it be...let it be...speaking words of wisdom...

2005-07-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

i am exhausted, goretti didn't want to perform emotional surgery though i really wanted to, just get me right. i didn't sleep at all last night. that was a night of transforming states.

i have such a negative view of it all, because now i feel kind of confused but liberated as well.

Glory box

I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play,
For I've been a temptress too long.

Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
I just wanna be a woman.

From this time, unchained,
We’re all looking at a different picture,
Through this new frame of mind,
A thousand flowers could bloom,
Move over, and give us some room.

Yeah,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
I just want to be a woman.

So don't you stop, being a man,
Just take a little look from our side when you can,
Sow a little tenderness,
No matter if you cry.

Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
It's all I wanna be is all woman.

For this is the beginning of forever and ever,
It's time to move over ,
So I want to be.

I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play.
For I've been a temptress too long.

Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you.

2005-07-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

"Return To Innocence"

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

2005-07-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

the blower's daughter
lyrics damien rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

2005-07-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

painting by Rosalvo Leomeu Vidal from Brazil

so in the end, it was all about learning to love.
to create is to love, and learn what love is by doing so.
because nothing will be perfect,
all that i will ever do can only be the most i can achieve within constraints of time, and emotion

in the end, i am but a channel for the light, there is nothing to doubt, to proud about or be ashamed of.

So some people will not understand, but i don't understand everyone either.
I am not everything to anyone, so i will never be everything to everyone.
at best i have a shot at trying to be everything i ever wanted, for me, and hope some friends and loved ones will love this person i afterall am, and want to be.

and let all else go a different path and seek their own happiness if it will not be by my side.

afterall in the end, my soul is here and it can grow and it can also wither.
this body i have will one day be dust, but whilst it is alive and the mortal coil, it could only benefit from having the flame within burn brighter and steadier within a centre.

photo by Zolt Levay

it is the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

i'm falling in love...

2005-07-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

swept away in a glimpse of perfection,
i am moved, a drop of emotion swells
and falls upon the arid ground,
the night has uncovered me

and i begin to feel awakening,
i begin to feel like love has come to me,
to open my eyes to all this beauty that has always been there,
yet i must go towards it.

I miss architecture so much.
I miss making, I miss creating,
I miss the intoxicating feeling of bringing something into being,

I miss the space i can create for love,
i miss the trusting steps into blindness and finding the light
I miss loving into life a dream.

how did i fall out of love before,
because i didn't make for pleasure,
nor create for love,
I wanted to do it for pride,
to prove to my ego,
when it is actually a surrender of the senses,
the intuition to trust the higher divine sense
which is sacred,
a scared bond between my ability to choose and my ability to trust.

i have fallen in love,
if you cannot feel it, you have no chance of expressing it.

love is seeing the divine, and when i see this perfect vision of beauty,
i melt into nothing, i forget myself,
and suddenly i am in this state that is beyond all the trying...

photos by Zolt Levay

Lessons in the Kitchen

2005-07-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

"Cooking like love must be approached with reckless abandon", the war cry of the amateurs.

but...now a different tenet, "skill must be learnt."

I was preparing with a certain functionality, potato salad, and staring at the cucumber in my refridgerator thinking about how to use it, since i had actually bought it for a face mask, but it looked a little well...ripe, and needed to be eaten.

Elder Aunt walked in, and laughed, the real bellyful laugh when she saw my potatoes.

I was indignant to say the least. "its for my friends, they aren't gourmet cooks themselves"

More laughter, " Do you think their mothers don't know how to cook?"

hahahahahhahaha

yea, point being tho we can't cook, we can certainly taste.

"You must do it well, and then they will cook better the next time."

"Don't expect others to set the example, you must set the example."

hmmm. I expressed "maybe you should rest, don't worry i can make it edible."

To be good for its own sake.

Elder Aunt got really enthusastic about the cucumbers, and at the same time hinted at laundry.

"The apple tea from England. the one Vivian bought. yes...sour and sweet...hmmm, sliced cucumbers."

something was happening there. I am often humbled, the creativity i am suppose to possess is really nothing much compared to my Aunt's in the kitchen.

Well, so i accepted my place and said " i'll be the apprentice and you the Shi Fu ( the master) so tell me what to chop, and i'll do it."

Menial was the task, yet even finesse was required.

Boil an egg. Simple right.
but there is a skill to it.

ELder Aunt's Art of Boiling an Egg
An egg must be boiled with cold water, for a true silkiness.

Once the water approachs boiling point, switch of the fire, and let it cool.

Once the water is cool, the egg is ready for peeling.

i must be an idiot, since i have so much to learn.
so better a fool who knows she's a fool.

Task Two

Cucumber skin.

She reached into the drawer, and pulled out a knife with serrated edges, like a Ninja martial artsy thing.

if you run this over the skin, it will be prettier.
She contantly makes fun of my ability to paint.

A fork is like a pencil, this Ninja knife a palette knife.

So it did as i was told. It looks more complex than a fork tracked cucumber.

~

Your potatoes, let them cool. I learnt this by trial and error.
I like to get every done, all at one intense go. Not the wisest. potatoes are more solid when cooled, else they turn into mush.

OTT-dom covers the bases but doesn't ensure quality. My last potato sald had an excess of everything! Bacon x 150% and the rest with a fool's measure.

~

Elder Aunt is preparing lunch. I am doing laundry and typing.
had a long talk with Barry yesterday. Be good for goodness's own sake. He's a good guy, and i think that is his own reward.

Hanging out with the mature folks ensures quality conversation.
~

I return to the fold of this kitchen, with a thousand and one things that i never knew existed, folded away til, she directs me.

~

2005-07-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

what a difference a good sleep makes.
i rate yesterday's slumber at a dreamy 9.1
and a 10.0 given extenuating circumstances.

shiling~ the excellent masseur at Zi Ying School of Massage was there.
Maybe its better to have a female masseur, the touch is gentler, the precision wonderful. I have a reputation there, they see me, and "she's the girl who likes it hard" and they'll bring out the toughest gritty guy there is.

Which is like saying the more the quantity the better.
Maybe for pressure point massage. Guys are better.

For the gentler, soothing sort which i currently prefer, the softer hands of woman is preferable.